Love and Lost
by Zero Unit RGB
Summary: After we made our confessions of love a couple of months ago, I expected everything to be perfect. But it feels far from it. I don't show it to Tomoki because this feeling seems one-sided. I just wish I understood how being in love can make you feel... so lost. The sequel to Love or Lust. Rated M for: Sex, swearing, etc. Updates every Friday. Read and review! [R18]
1. Prologue: Imperfect

As always, the cafe is abuzz with customers from all walks of life. Some are on their lunch break from some nearby office building. There were also teenagers that were on their way back home after a long day at school, couples on romantic dates, and families having a happy outing. I would honestly like to be here with my boyfriend like we were on New Year's but instead; I'm with my big brother.

My older brother is in casual clothes, a t-shirt, jeans, and a red leather jacket. He waits for the waitress to arrive with our drinks before he chooses to communicate what's on his mind. "So… You're going to graduate college next year," Takuya states, taking a sip from his coffee.

"Yup," I nod. I know exactly what he wants to say to me. And it kills me that he won't just spit it out. "And I'm turning twenty-one in three months."

A grin tugs at Takuya's face but he's not about to let our shared sense of humor derail him from the task that our parents probably set him up to. "Have you started job hunting yet?" nii-san asks. "After all, you can't keep mooching off of Tomoki forever, you know."

Of course, I know that. I also know that if I were to ask, Tomoki would be willing to let me live off of him for the rest of our lives. But I love him too much to be a burden to him and to solely depend on him to be the breadwinner between us, I can't do that. I've got to pull my weight around somehow. But the truth is, I don't know what it is that I want to do.

"Can't I be a homemaker for my hubby?" I inquire.

Takuya chokes on his drink so he sets the glass back down on the table before addressing me once more. "Mom and Dad are really worried about you."

"I know," I huff. "But I've still got time before I have to worry too much about it, right?"

"You're completing your third year of college," he reminds me.

I place my elbow on the table, resting my chin on my palm. "Uh-huh, so I'm told."

Tomoki sure is lucky. Not only does he know exactly what he wants to do, but he's already got an internship in the very building he wants to work at. They'll see his mad skills when it comes to storyline creation and character animation, and hire him full-time for sure.

As for myself, I'm at a total loss for words when it comes to figuring out my future. The only reason I even chose to go to Taiyo University was because it was close enough to home so I could visit whenever and it was the same college Tomoki wanted to go to.

Maybe, if it had been several months earlier, I could've chosen to become a gay male prostitute since sex seemed to be the only thing I was good at. But I had promised my boyfriend that I would stop sleeping with random men. That was an old lifestyle of mine that I'm happy to have left behind. So what if I don't get many chances to have sex anymore nowadays since Tomoki is almost always busy doing something? You know what; fuck my impossibly high sex drive.

"I can just do a couple of odd jobs at first, gain some experience, and decide later on, can't I?" I suggest.

Takuya sighs and crosses his arms, leaning back in his seat. "Is there really nothing you want to do with your life?" He picks up his crepe and takes a bite out of it. I could see him resisting the urge to release porn star moans when he felt the chocolate, whipped cream, and berries practically melt in his mouth. "Oh God, this is… I mean! Shinya, I really don't want to pressure you into making such an important decision so soon. But you should think about."

"I've got the break between school years and summer vacation," I reply.

Takuya finally relented and I could tell that part of it was because he really wanted to dig into the delicious food. Now that we had that out of the way, I wanted to focus on a very real problem that is afflicting me like a curse. But… I'll wait until after he's eaten.

"So, how's the newest Sentai?" Takuya asks in between bites. "I haven't had the chance to catch up since episode one came out."

I finish off the last of my waffles. "Takaharu is a huge idiot and honestly, he annoys me a lot. We haven't had a serious Red since Hiromu of Go-Busters and that was like… three years ago! But I always love the ninja theme so I'll probably be sticking around."

"Hey, Right of ToQger wasn't bad," Takuya laughs. "Sure, he wasn't serious. But I loved his character."

"True, not to mention, Hikari has to be one of the prettiest Greens so far," I say. I decide to take this as my chance to bring up the subject of my personal issue since he seems to have finished his food. "I haven't had sex in weeks."

My older brother's eyes widen because we're in a public dining facility as he begins babbling nonsense. "What does this have to do Super Sentai?"

"Nothing," I shrug. "I'm just wondering if you know of a way to convince Tomoki to undress for me."

Takuya is alternating between pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation and resisting the urge to slam his palm into the table for my excessively forward and lewd behavior. I am grinning from ear to ear because I was able to make this guy lose his calm so easily. It's fun having that kind of power over your own brother.

"Shinya, there is more to life than just sex," Takuya finally sighs.

I lick my lips and swirl my milkshake with my straw. "I have never heard of this fantastical world you speak of."

My brother rolls his eyes in response. "Listen, I don't want to get involved in your sex life." I can feel the 'not anymore' hanging on the tip of his tongue but we both agreed never to broach that confusing and unnecessary part of our lives. "Anyway, I should get going." He hailed down the waitress so that we could get the check. "Think about what I said."

It's hard not to.

-X-

"I'm home!"

I was able to do some tidying up around the house but not much. There's a reason why I can't be a homemaker. I lack all the vital and basic life skills of cooking, laundry, and even cleaning. I blame it on my laziness and my parents' inability to teach me these skills. But I know it's mostly laziness.

I go over to the front door to greet my adorable boyfriend, Tomoki Himi, with a quick peck on the lips. The smile on his face can only last for so long when he notices the smell of Chinese food in the kitchen and the taste of egg rolls on my breath.

"How was work?" I ask as I take his hand in mine.

"Fine," he answers, glancing over at the white plastic bags on the kitchen counter. "You ordered takeout?"

I nod. "Yeah, I figured you'd be too tired to cook dinner after work and you probably don't want to miss the _Shuriken Sentai Ninninger VS Kamen Rider Drive_ crossover special tonight, right? Don't worry, I used my allowance and got all your favorites."

Tomoki smiles and pulls me in for another kiss, deeper this time, before helping me bring the food over to the little wooden coffee table in front of the television set. We plop down onto the rather ugly couch with its black and white diamond pattern but every time we're sitting down there together, it feels like the most romantic spot in the entire apartment. Even when we tune into a show about adults in colorful spandex, I still find this moment between us to be enchanting.

"I still think it's too early for a crossover between them," Tomoki remarks. "Ninninger is only five episodes in."

"Hey, it's a great way to get Kamen Rider fans to watch Super Sentai and vice versa," I grin.

He nods. "Can't deny that. We never would've even been interested in Kamen Rider until that one crossover episode in Shinkenger."

When it comes time for commercial, I decide that it would be the perfect chance for a quick makeout session since it's only been about seventeen minutes since that kiss at the door. So the moment Tomoki comes back from his bathroom break, I attack him on the couch. After months of dating, he's used to my spontaneous bursts of physical affection and he lets me.

At some point, we find our hands roaming each other's bodies, brushing up our shirts to caress bare skin. I can feel his body shiver underneath me as I tweak his nipples. In an instant, my dick is putting up a tent in my jeans.

But when my hand reaches for the zipper of his pants, we hear the unmistakable sound of the show coming back. I know Tomoki doesn't want to be rude or to cut my shameless desire short, but he pushes me off of him anyway.

"Sorry," we both say to each other.

"I know it's not a good time to be doing that," I chuckle. "Guess I got carried away."

"So did I," Tomoki mutters. "Let's just… focus on the show."

I feel a little stupid. But I can't really help it. Ever since we confessed our love to each other, I've wanted to devote every second demonstrating that love to him. I know it can't be perfect, but this is my first serious relationship. Being idealistic and wishing for that fairy tale ending is just something that would come naturally, right?

Perfect is far from what we have right now though. I know that after the show is over, he's going to want to go take a shower and then head right to sleep. The guy is balancing school, his internship, housework, his personal life, and his relationship with me all at once. I, on the other hand, can't even keep my balance on my feet.

"How do you do it?" I inquire when the next commercial break comes.

Tomoki blinks, clearly puzzled by this random ass question. "Do what?"

"Everything?" I clarify. "There is so much shit going on in your life and yet you brush it off like it's nothing. How do you do _that_?" I pick up my complimentary fortune cookie as I speak. "If I were you, I'd be stressed, 24/7. So I'm just wondering if there's some secret."

There's a brief pause as he considers this. "No, no secret that I know of," he states. "Though I will say, running for your life in the Digital World at the age of eight is something I often find myself compare my current life to. It's what I do to remind myself that things could be worse. At least there isn't some dark entity out to destroy the whole fucking world."

That explains it. My brother, my best friends, and everyone else who's a Chosen Child not only got to go on the adventure of the lifetime, but now they don't worry about everyday human world stress as much because it's nothing compared to back then.

I break open my cookie and take a look at my fortune as I crunch on the edible parts. "We write our own destiny. We become what we do." Great, so I guess this means I have writer's block. "Fan-fucking-tastic advice, Mr. Cookie."

"Are you okay?" Tomoki frowns. "You seem on edge."

I take a deep breath and press my forehead into his shoulder. "Sorry, I am. I didn't mean to take it out on you… or my fortune"

He kisses me again, giving my hand a squeeze to let me know that I can talk to him about anything if I ever need to. I already know this, but it's helpful to be reminded of the fact. We let a few seconds of silence pass between us, we don't even notice that the show has returned.

"What did you and Takuya talk about today?" Tomoki finally asks.

There it is. "Tomoki, I've got no skills and I'm the laziest piece of shit in the world. If I ask you, I know you'd be willing to take care of me but I don't want that. I want to be able to do something with my life. I just don't know what."

"That's explains your reaction to your fortune," he murmurs. I toss the slip of paper onto the table before asking him what his says. There is quite the pause before he starts reading it out loud, "You will be a great success both in the business world and society."

Are you fucking kidding me? "You've got to be shitting me," I groan.

Tomoki suddenly takes my hand and presses his lips to the back of it, surprising me. It leaves that spot a little moist, pink, and tingling before he starts speaking again. "How about this? I'll spend this weekend teaching you how to take care of yourself and this apartment. I'll teach you all the basic life skills you lack. It's not much, but it'll be a start."

"I really love you," I sigh.

Tomoki plants a kiss on my lips. "I love you too."

The show ends and as I predicted, Tomoki goes to take a shower. I'd go with him but I know he's not in the mood for anything sexual tonight. I could tell he was tired and needed a break even though I'm horny and needed a blowjob. Still, I had to respect his boundaries or else I'd get a frying pan to the face.

"See you in bed," I call. It's not flirtatious or seductive; we just literally sleep in the same bed. I think that's also one of the reasons for my constant state of horniness.

"See you," he yawns in response.

Sitting alone in the living room with the infomercials blasting in my face, I can't help feeling lonely. After moving in with Tomoki, I never thought I'd feel that way again. But he's not here half the time when I am and the living space looks a lot bigger when you're by yourself. I wonder if this is how it's supposed to feel like after the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

I bounce my leg up and down as I rub my hands together, unable to keep myself still. When I hear the shower running, I raise my hands to my face. "Things are supposed to be perfect now," I mumble into my palms. "So…"

Why doesn't it feel that way?


	2. The Positive Direction

The digital alarm clock beside the bed reads 5:45 AM and I don't have to leave for work for another hour and a half. That gives me plenty of time to make breakfast and teach Shinya how to work the washing machine. And while it's not even laundry day, I do plan on getting the sheets cleaned. Especially after what I'm about to do.

I place my hand underneath my sleeping boyfriend's t-shirt, slowly rubbing circles on his stomach before rocking him awake. Shinya isn't much of a morning person, anyone can tell you that. So he was a little less than pleased to find that it was so early. But it shifts easily when my hand goes down his boxer shorts and strokes his semi-erection.

"Whoa, Tomoki," Shinya says, holding back a moan. "You're not usually this forward. Did something good happen?"

I shrug, bringing his face close to mine and kissing him on the lips. I linger there for just a few seconds before crawling under the blanket. There's a brief moment when Shinya makes this perplexed expression but it disappears when I pull down his boxer shorts and up comes his cock. I'd never admit it to him, but I actually love seeing it.

"I just felt like thanking you for what you did last night, and for wanting to work harder," I grin.

He's unable to hold back his moans as I start licking his staff, from the balls, up the shaft, and over the exposed pink head. From there, I put the whole thing in my mouth, flicking my tongue all over the member as I bob my head up and down. I only pause to cover my middle finger in saliva before inserting it into his anus, gently massaging his prostate while I use my free hand to fondle his balls.

I know for a fact that this will drive him crazy as it has done for me in the past. And the erotic sounds that I elicit from him are enough to assure me of this fact.

"T-Tomoki," Shinya huffed. "I'm going to…!"

He's unable to even finish his statement as he shoots his load into his mouth. I can feel the warm, thick cream fill every empty space left in my mouth before sliding down my throat. I used to dislike the taste of sperm but upon realizing that it was _his_ , I couldn't help wanting to swallow it all.

I pull away from his dick and I can feel some of the cum dribble down my chin and onto the bed. I'm also feeling horny as fuck now thanks to inhaling his musky scent while having my nose buried in his pubic hair but there isn't much time in the morning to have sex today despite the itch I feel in my ass and the fact that Shinya's member is still hard. Maybe this was a bad idea.

"We should get cleaned up," I exhale.

Disappointment flashes across Shinya's face and I know it's because he really wanted to fuck now. "Um… What about you? I can see your hard-on." I reflexively try to cover it from view with the blanket despite him having seen it many times before in the past. "Should I take care of it for you?"

"Thanks," I say, kissing him. "But if we do that, I'll want more and we just don't have the time."

It's almost like he wilts. "Right… Sorry…"

I can't help feeling bad for him. It's true that I didn't want to have sex with him so many times but in truth, we've actually tried to fuck every now and then. Unfortunately, something always comes up or I remember some important thing to do. Every other time I'm free, Shinya has plans or someone takes him away from me for a few hours. It's always one thing or another with us. We can't even go on dates anymore.

After he takes the sheets to the washing machine and I explain how to make it work (he thought you just needed to push a button and wait), I get a broom and hand it to him. I've seen Shinya attempt to sweep floors, he always holds it in a way that strains his lower back or makes it difficult to maneuver. I've actually seen him trip over his own feet while trying to pick up his scattered manga.

Speaking of which…

"You can't just leave your gay manga lying around on the floor like this," I chide. "My family might've accepted that we're together but I'm sure if they saw these, they'd be scarred for life." I pick up a particularly large book titled _Endless Game_. The cover depicts a muscular man with a buzz cut wearing nothing but a jockstrap, while being held by a bearded man in a suit. Well, held wouldn't be the right word, it's more like he's got the half-naked guy in a chokehold. "Tagame Gengoroh… Isn't that the guy who draws really hardcore BDSM erotic manga?"

Shinya dramatically throws a hand to his heart. "You remembered! And yes, though this one is a lot more tame. Still hardcore since this is Tagame-sensei's work."

If I remember correctly, this particular manga is about a college guy who ends up becoming sexually dependent on a stranger he met through a police officer. As it turns out, the stranger runs a prostitution ring though he never makes the guys do things they don't want to. The college guy and every other prostitute under his supervision are just boundlessly lustful.

"Do you really enjoy this kind of stuff?" I ask.

"Personally, I find it to be hotter than regular porn," Shinya replies before holding up the broom. "Now… How do I hold this the proper way?"

I roll my eyes and move to his back, having picked up every last one of his manga from the floor and placed them in the bookshelf. Putting my arms around him and intertwining my fingers with his, I show him how to grasp the broom without breaking a lamp with it. He has actually done this too.

"Don't push with your left hand," I tell him. "Use your dominant hand to move the broom in the direction you want." His skin gets warm and I wonder if he's embarrassed to be held like this though it's more likely that it's because I have to teach him this. "You never cleaned your own room before?"

Shinya shrugs as he starts sweeping. "I'd always find some way of getting out of it."

There was a time when I never had to lift a finger within the confines of my own house. I was spoiled rotten. My parents would buy me whatever I wanted and they handled every chore. Shinya is a prime example of why that's a bad thing. Once you go into the world on your own, you realize that you can't do anything by yourself. You'll always need someone to hold you hand or give you instructions.

My adventures in the Digital World helped me realize that I should be able to handle any situation on my own. So I guess I'm rather lucky. Right now though, I want to be able to teach Shinya how to take care of himself too. I don't think we're going to break up or anything, but I might have to go away sometimes. I want to make sure he's able to depend on his own skills.

I have to admit that I am a tad surprised though. I never expected Shinya of all people to be stressed out about the fact that he doesn't have a clear-cut path. He was always such a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. I feel kind of proud that he's finally taking charge of his life.

"So, what do you want for breakfast?" I inquire. "I'll make your favorites if you'd like. I've got the time for that today."

Shinya stops sweeping then. "Anything you make for me is great. But… is it okay if you wait until I'm finished? I want to watch so I can learn how to cook too."

This is also a new development considering he always talks about how he loves my cooking and that's one of the reasons why he refuses to learn. I wonder if he's also realized that I can't physically be there for him all the time. I'm barely physically around now.

I smile. "Of course."

We spend the morning cleaning and cooking and cleaning the messes that we made due to our cooking. At some point, the pancake that had gotten stuck to the ceiling, came down and hit Shinya in the head, causing me to crack up. In response, he took a handful of the sticky dough from out of his hair and wiped it across my face. The kitchen was a disaster zone by the time we were finished laughing and wasting ingredients.

"You have to go!" Shinya gasps in realization.

He and I are wiping the floor with wet rags when I glance at the clock hanging above the ugly couch. "Shit. Uh… I'll just buy something on the way over there. You eat the pancakes, we can't have anything else go to waste."

"Tomoki!" he calls, standing up at the same time I do. We end up knocking heads and groaning in pain. "Sorry… Um… Have a good day at work."

I can't help smiling when I see his cheeks flush, removing my apron and pulling him close to me in one swift movement. I plant a kiss on his lips, tasting the blueberries that he 'discreetly' consumed when my back was turned and I'm sure he can taste the strawberries I ate as well.

"There actually isn't much left that I have to do today. If things go well, I can be home early," I tell him. "We can do whatever we want during that time."

Shinya's reaction is almost automatic as a huge smile appears on his handsome face. Even though I see it all the time, something about it always makes my heart beat a little faster. "If it's okay with you, I want to try making dinner. For us."

"This is a surprise."

"Is… that not okay?"

I shake my head. "No, it's perfect."

-X-

I park the car right next to the building and as I get out, I notice a white Mercedes across the street. It looks just like Kouji's, even with the little stuffed wolf hanging from the rearview mirror that Izumi gave him for his birthday. Oh wait…

"Tomoki?"

The raven haired lawyer pops his head out from behind his vehicle, looking spiffy with his tied back black hair and sophisticated suit. Along with his sharp eyes, it almost makes him look like a yakuza which wouldn't be surprising considering how his natural face looks pissed off. If I didn't know him, I wouldn't try to. Uh, don't tell him I said that.

"Kouji!" I say. "What are you doing here?"

He gestures down the street, his briefcase rattling with the contents inside. "I was transferred to a law office at the end of this block to work on a case. But this is kind of a pleasant surprise, I had no idea you worked right here."

I nod. "We should have lunch together if our breaks are close."

It's kind of funny how much things have changed between me and Kouji. If I were to choose the person I had been least closest to among the Legendary Warriors, it would be him.

I had pegged him as kind of standoffish and mean. While he saw me as an immature brat with no right to have been chosen to protect such a dangerous world. At least, that's how I think he saw me. At any rate, we would've both been right on some level. But just as I've matured, Kouji's cold exterior has thawed little by little.

Still, the two of us never get to hang out anymore either. I don't see many of the other Warriors as often as I'd like. But the fact that Kouji works so close to me, I want to take this chance to spend as much time with him as possible before he has to return to his usual office.

"Sure, I'd like that," Kouji smiles. This expression makes the creases on his forehead disappear and the pressure seems to lift off his shoulders. "But I don't know the neighborhood very well yet so… You're going to have to lead the way."

"There's a big change," I say.

"A lot has changed," Kouji responds.

I can't really disagree with him there. From the moment we first met to the present, nothing is the same. Not like we expected anything to be the same in the first place, especially now that we've all grown up into adults.

Takuya is a gym teacher at Raira Academy. Kouji is a prosecuting attorney. Kouichi is studying to become a doctor.

Izumi actually retired from being idol just three months ago in order to pursue her real dream of opening an Italian restaurant. Though I hear she's still going to act from time to time and write songs for other artists. Her fame hasn't quite died down yet as most of her customers are her fans.

Junpei substituted for a physics teacher for a while at a school but was offered a full-time job there since his students were showing positive results fast. The time he spent with those kids made him change careers though he still plans on helping the construction firm during breaks and days off. It's like that guy needs to keep himself active 24/7 in order to stay alive. But I don't think I've ever seen anyone look happier than him.

Finally, there's me. I have an internship at this video game company but by next year, it could become my full-time job so I have to keep working hard.

A lot has changed over the years but I'm glad that we keep moving forward no matter what. I'm dating Kanbara Shinya, someone I'm always glad to see beside me when I wake up. I've got some of the best friends in the whole world, I couldn't ask for anyone better. And I'm so close to reaching my dream.

Somehow, right now, I feel invincible.


	3. It's All for Tomoki

As soon as Tomoki is out the door, I start panicking about what to do for dinner tonight. It's not like I know how to cook. I just watched him make breakfast and whenever I tried to help, I fucked something up! Crap, what am I going to do?!

I decide that my first course of action is to calm myself down and nothing calms me down like a jerk off session. This is especially true when my dick hasn't gone down after this morning's impromptu blowjob. Tomoki's technique has improved immensely since his first one in the hallway.

So I go back to our shared room and pluck _Endless Game_ from the shelf. As I thumb through the pages for Akira's (the protagonist's) first full-on sex scene, I sit down in front of the pancakes. But as I attempt to pick up my fork, I accidentally drop my manga, flipping it all the way to the end. Where Akira is sitting in some random dude's lap, taking it in the ass, and a number is stamped to the back of his ballsack.

This is after Akira has agreed to become a prostitute and the number is to show that he is nothing more than that. Even though he and the other guys with numbers enjoy sex like dogs in heat, it's kind of degrading. It's as if to say they are nothing more than sex objects.

"Am I like that?" I wonder aloud.

After all, sex seems to be the only thing I think about. I was even going to masturbate while eating these delicious pancakes!

I don't want to be like Akira though. I've changed since my whoring ways. So I slam the book closed and place it down next to the plate, cover facing away from me so I don't have to see him in the jockstrap, tempting me. This is for the best.

Those are my thoughts but as soon as I've finished eating, I find myself lying on the couch without any clothes on. A tissue box is on the coffee table, within arm's reach, and the book in front of me while my right hand is stroking my member. I really am pathetic.

But I'll change! Starting tomorrow.

-X-

La Fiaba, which is Italian for The Fairy Tale, is the brand new restaurant that opened up just two months ago. The owner just so happens to be one of my best friends, Izumi Orimoto. Of course, most people know her as the internationally famous idol with number one hit songs in multiple countries and even a few big-budget Hollywood films.

You'd think it'd be easier to get in contact with a restauranteur than it is to contact a star but it's actually worse. First of all, she doesn't have her cell phone on her at all times like she used to. Second, the restaurant always has business. And third, the workers are skeptical as hell of customers claiming to be her friend.

The best way to get a hold of her is to just call the restaurant. After three rings, a random guy picks up the phone.

" _Bonjourno, you've reached La Fiaba, how may I help you?_ "

"I'm looking for the owner," I say. "I'm a close friend of hers."

I can almost imagine a guy, not much older than me, with a few acne scars on his cheeks and forehead, narrowing his eyes with suspicion. And I honestly can't blame him. " _You're not some random fanboy are you? We get a lot of those and many of them say the same thing._ "

I cross my arms and lean against the kitchen counter. "Just tell her it's Shinya Kanbara calling." There's a short pause and I wonder if he's actually doing it.

" _Ah, here you are_."

"Huh?"

" _Orimoto-san gave each of us a list of names of her friends and family_ ," he explains. " _Sorry for doubting you earlier_."

"No problem. I understand."

" _Just give me one second._ "

The first and last time I went to La Fiaba was maybe a few weeks ago, after final exams were over. It had been a stressful time for me and Tomoki. Izumi reserved special seats just for us, so that we would have some privacy. I think that was also our last official date.

Anyway, I would've gone to the grand opening but I had school at the time. No matter how much I wanted to see Izumi, I just couldn't. So this date tonight gave me an excuse to have a romantic time with Tomoki, see one of my best friends again, and learn how to make dinner. I'd be killing three birds with one stone!

" _Shin-chan!_ " Izumi's cheery yet weary voice chimes from the phone. " _Sorry, I just finished dealing with a fan who wouldn't leave without an autographed napkin._ "

"That doesn't sound so bad."

" _It had a meatball stain on it._ "

I roll my eyes, wondering how an idol otaku could live knowing that they embarrass the very people they adore. Then again, I'm certain if any celebrity met me, they'd have a rather unflattering image of me to keep as well. But talking about awkwardly obsessive admirers is not what I called her for.

"Hey, do you think you could drop by?" I ask. "You don't have to if things are too busy."

Izumi doesn't answer right away. Probably because she's checking to see how many customers are still in the dining area. " _It's actually pretty slow today. When do you need me? I'll see if I can swing by and we can have a chat._ "

"Uh…" I glance at the clock. Usually, Tomoki returns at around eight but then he does homework or makes dinner. So if he's coming back a little earlier, I'd think maybe a little after seven. But we don't eat dinner until eight. I don't want the food to get cold. I probably should've sorted this out before calling my brilliant chef of a friend.

" _Hey, Shin-chan, shouldn't you be in school right now?_ " Izumi asks just to keep the conversation going. She and I are not people of silence.

"It's break between school years," I reply. "Don't have school for another two weeks or so."

She makes a sound of understanding. " _I attended my last few school years in Europe so I forgot that Japan's school cycle starts in April and ends in March. But this means job hunting season is upon you, huh. How's_ that _going?_ "

I groan. "Ugh, don't even talk to me about that right now." As if talking to my brother about it wasn't enough.

" _Sorry_ ," Izumi giggles. " _What do you need me for anyway?_ "

I explain the situation to her. About how I can finally have another date with Tomoki after weeks of not being able to have a genuine one and how I said I'd cook dinner. But I've got maybe thirty minutes of cooking experience and that's not enough so I need an expert to assist me.

After I'm done rambling, I take a deep breath. "So… Do you think you can help?"

" _Sure_ ," she says. " _I'll be at your place in a few minutes._ "

Well that sounds quick. "Wait, but… What about the restaurant?"

" _My employees are responsible enough to take care of things. I trust them."_

I wonder if that's another part about being a Legendary Warrior that I don't get. She's only been in the culinary business for two months yet she already trusts her workers that much. It's not just her either. Takuya-nii, Tomoki, and everyone else that went to the Digital World seems to have this naturally strong faith in humanity that my cynicism has never allowed. It not only makes me feel like the odd one out, but it makes me feel like crap in comparison.

I frantically shake my head to get those thoughts out of it. After all, it's a good thing that Izumi is able to take the time off in order to help me today. So I thank her, hang up, and figure out what I should do before her imminent arrival.

With my hands on my hips, I tilt my head to the side to contemplate out loud. "The laundry should be done by now…"

-X-

I'm trying to properly fold the same shirt for the seventh time when the doorbell rings. So, tossing the now-wrinkled garment onto the bed, I answer the door to find Izumi wearing shades and a black wig. I know these are precautionary measures so that no one knows it's an ex-idol visiting my house but I can't help laughing.

"Good afternoon," she says with a fake Russian accent. "I am here to retrieve one Shinya Kanbara."

I let her inside and talk a little before getting down to business. As I expected, she points out the unattractive couch in the living room and I feel a little bad that the offensive piece of furniture has to take so much abuse for it's appearance. It's the functionality that counts. Though I won't mind getting a better one since it also creaks like hell.

Izumi goes over to the refrigerator to see what we have inside since she's going to be helping me make dinner but I have no idea what the contents of the fridge can become. Now I kind of wish I paid more attention to the things Tomoki made. I only know that they taste delicious. Not what they're made of.

For some reason, my palms are sweating and there's an itch on my back that I can't reach and overall, I feel like a nervous wreck. "How is it, chef?"

"Depends," Izumi replied.

I raise an eyebrow. "On?"

"What you want to make for dinner."

There it is. That's why I feel so jittery and pre-pubescent. I have no idea what I want to make for dinner and even if I did, I don't know how. So, looking at my best friend staring at me, I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Pasta." Italian cuisine is her specialty, after all.

"You're going to have to be more specific," says Izumi. "There are loads of different types of pasta."

Again, I say the first thing to come to mind. "Spaghetti." Then, as an afterthought, "Oh, and those delicious meatballs that you made last time!"

Izumi takes a moment to think about it. "Yeah, we can do that. We'll have to go grocery shopping though." I think she realizes by now that I'm just randomly blurting things out so she decides to offer her own suggestions. "What about Tuscan seafood stew? It's Kouji's favorite thing to order at La Fiaba. I wonder why he loves seafood so much. He even put them in his burger way back when."

"What's in it?"

"Octopus, squid, dried red chiles, garlic, wine, sage, tomatoes, and really, any kind of fish you want."

We talk more about food before finalizing a menu for tonight. There's actually a lot that we need to go out and buy before doing any cooking though. Now I get why she wanted to come so early. She knows, as much as anyone else, that my life skills are zilch. And I am so happy to have a friend like her around who knows me so well and is willing to put up with my lack of knowledge.

After making a shopping list, we get into my car to head to the store. We have a long day ahead of us.

-X-

It's around 4:00 PM when I find myself slurping the first batch of stew that I made. With Izumi's instructions and rather invasive backseat cooking, I had to say that it tasted pretty good. I was impressed by the savory flavor and by the fact that this was made with my own two hands. Even with a professional chef leading the way, I felt proud.

I put the ladle back into the steaming pot and pull it out to give my cooking teacher a taste. For all I know, I created something with the wrong flavor.

As soon as Izumi has finished drinking it all, I hold my breath as I wait for her to pass judgement. She's smacking her lips as she thinks about it before reaching over to grab the box of salt, shaking it a bit. "I think it will be just perfect with a pinch of this."

I sigh in relief. "That's awesome!"

"You know, Shinya," says Izumi, placing the box back down onto the counter A serious tone. We barely talk in serious tones. "I'm really proud of you."

"Really?" I say.

She nods. "There was a time when you would make up any excuse to get out of doing work. But being together with Tomoki seems to have changed that about you. You're more willing to try things you were once afraid of failing at."

This is something that I've never told Tomoki because I always felt it was too embarrassing. But while part of the reason for why I mooch off of others is because I'm lazy as shit, the main reason is because I could never get things right. Criticized and scorned and told that I could do better when I gave it my best shot. I ended up giving up before even trying.

It's much worse when you're constantly being compared to others. Particularly my boyfriend. I'm sure my parents didn't mean to, but when they saw Tomoki's achievements in comparison to my own, I could feel disappointment radiating from them. I can't make up for it in the athletic department because my own brother is a prodigy at that and my creativity can't even compare to Izumi's either.

But if I go to anyone about it, they'll just say that I need to work or try harder than I was before. And no matter how much I explain, they can't ever understand that I had given one-hundred percent and it still wasn't enough. Izumi was the only person who didn't say any of those things when I told her. Instead, she became the person I could silently cry to whenever I needed to. And once upon a time, it happened a lot.

I'm not good with heavy stuff though. So I decide to joke around. "Hey, if I'm good enough, maybe you can hire me to be a chef."

"Keep practicing and it just might happen," Izumi winks, knowing how it is with me.

Later, long after Izumi has gone back to her restaurant and we ate the leftovers for lunch, my cellphone rings. I pick it up to see that the caller ID is Tomoki and it immediately makes my heartbeat quicken and a smile appear on my face.

"Hey!" I say cheerily. "Are your taste buds ready for tonight?"

" _Shinya… I'm sorry, but… something's come up._ "

It's amazing how the person that can make you smile so quickly, can make it vanish just as fast.


	4. Just One Step Closer

The company has been working on the next installment to their long-running video game series which I am personally a big fan of. But I'm not allowed to divulge any information until everything has been completed. Still, it's exciting being part of a project that you love. Even if it is just little fixes and edits. After all, I _am_ only an intern.

However, if I do get to be a full team member, then I might actually do something like animation or character building. If it's the latter, then it'd probably be limited to only NPCs and none of the actual main characters. Not that I would change the design of any of them in the first place. They all look pretty good.

"Himi-kun, I see you're hard at work as usual," Tokugawa grins from behind me.

While my desk is in the same room as the animators, I'm still pushed to the side so that I don't get in their way. But with easy enough access for communication in case they want a fresh opinion. I'm also close to the door so I can do coffee runs or deliver papers or data to another department.

"You guys wanted the project done by next month," I reply. "So I just want to make sure that everything is on schedule. Maybe even a little ahead."

Tokugawa was the same person to conduct my interview and the only one in this building who knows about my sexuality. For the past few months, he's been dropping by my desk to make sure I'm doing well. According to him, I'm the hardest working intern they've had yet. That's why I feel so confident that I could start working here as a full-time employee.

"When we're finished with this game, there's going to be a new group that'll be working on something else," Tokugawa tells me. "If all goes well, you could be a part of their coding or animating team. And after that, you can pitch one of your own video game ideas that you've told me about."

I turn back to the contents on my desk, glancing at the three-ring binder I've had in the upper right-hand corner since day one. It has all of my game ideas, written and broken down. Starting from every detail of the plot, to sketches of the characters, down to the game mechanics.

I don't know when I started doing it. It was definitely during my first year in junior high. I remember having completed a video game, one that became my favorite, and watching as the credits rolled. As the names and job titles scrolled across the screen, I was hit with this realization that I wanted to create something as fun, challenging, and innovative as that game. Of course, doing that isn't easy without a team behind you.

Many of my ideas were scrapped over the years. Before getting that binder with the polar bear cover, I had thrown away four notebooks filled with half-assed ideas. There are only three that ever survived my harsh self-criticism and if I could get the higher-ups to approve of them, I could get my own team to help me bring my work into fruition.

"Do you think they'll like them?" I ask.

Tokugawa has seen my binder so he knows what I have in store. "Sorry, I'm just a coder, I don't know much about what games sell and which are popular."

"Right," I nod. He's told me this before. "I understand."

"But…," he continued. "If you ask me, I'd play these games."

I smile, grateful to have his reassurance. "Thanks."

Before he leaves my station, Tokugawa reminds me that the new supervisor, Yuusaku Jiro, of the animation department wants to see me. I've met Yuusaku-san on a few other occasions before, but they were before his promotion. He has wrinkles right around his eyes, black hair that's starting to become gray, and a rather self-confident look to him. Other than his appearance, I don't know anything else about him except that he's married and his wife is seven months pregnant.

"Crap, it's lunch already?" I mutter when I realize the time. "I'm going to be late."

-X-

From across the street, I can see Kouji conversing with someone on his phone. I can't tell if it's his neutral expression or if he's pissed off by whatever the other person is saying. But his brow is furrowed, a frown is set, and overall, he just looks like an unapproachable guy.

I wave to him so that he notices me before I cross the street. When I'm close enough, I can actually hear what he's saying. It's mostly law terms and other judicial jargon that I don't quite understand but it sounds rather urgent so I patiently wait until he hangs up before speaking to him. This takes about another minute.

"Sorry about that," Kouji apologizes once he's done. "This case has been going on for months the clients are getting worried."

"Do you need to be working?" I ask.

He sighs, the wrinkles coming back to his forehead. "Not right now. I really need a break. Plus, I'm hungry."

I can't help laughing since it sounds more like what the rest of us would say. Either we've had a genuine influence on him or he's just absolutely famished. "Then we should go inside." I open the door for him. "But we should think about having our next monthly get-together at La Fiaba."

"You just want a free meal."

"Like you don't?"

We find ourselves a seat in a booth, sitting across from each other as we make our order. We're both curious about the going-ons concerning each other's jobs but we're also certain that we wouldn't be able to comprehend much of it. So we just talk in general, about how things are going in ordinary life and if anything new has occurred since the last time we caught up.

I'm kind of surprised when he asks about how things are going between me and Shinya. And I end up telling him about how happy Shinya makes me though I do wish we had more time to spend together. It feels like we spend most of our time apart rather than together, sleeping in the same bed doesn't count of course since we're not awake to remember it.

"What about you?" I inquire. "Has anyone entered your romantic life recently?"

Kouji makes a sound that's between a snort and a chortle. As if he finds it funny that anyone can ever date him. "A co-worker actually asked me out last month but I rejected her. No one really interests me enough for me to consider dating them."

"How cruel of you."

Though I can't say I don't understand. Kouji may have a scary face and a cold disposition, but he was quite popular among his female schoolmates once upon a time. But for the most part, they were all pretty much the same towards him. After the third girl he dated, he started getting bored because they showed this pattern of giving him all the controls in the relationship.

I think he rejects people now in order to see if they chase after him. If a woman is willing to pursue him, then perhaps they truly like him for him. However, if I were to voice this, he'd probably neither confirm nor deny it.

"Besides, this case has me busier than ever," Kouji huffs. "I don't know how you can balance school, your internship, and still have time to make goo-goo eyes at your boyfriend. It sounds incredibly stressful and straining."

I cross my arms and lean back in my seat. I'm reminded of the conversation I had with Shinya last night. "Well, Shinya understands that I have to put my academics and career first. Any spare time in between is used to, as you put it, 'make goo-goo eyes' which I'm not even sure means."

"You still seem pretty laid-back to me," Kouji remarks. "Let me guess, Shinya's influence?"

"You're just too stiff," I chuckle.

Besides, Shinya seems to be preoccupied lately. I wonder if it really is just the fact that he lazes about that's been bugging him but it feels like there's something else. I doubt it's schoolwork since he rarely cares but what else can it be? Maybe I should ask him tonight.

-X-

At some point while I was sitting in front of the computer, I realize that I hadn't put my credit card back into my wallet. Kouji had forgotten his own money back in his office so I had to pay for lunch. And unlike Shinya, I know he'll pay me back like he says.

"Himi-kun!" Tokugawa calls.

I turn around to see the man approaching with the new supervisor right behind him. I immediately shove my wallet down my pocket and sit up straighter. In case he doesn't remember our interactions, since they were pretty miniscule, I want to make sure he gets a good impression. After all, his word could decide whether or not I get to be an official employee here.

I stand up once they get close. "Tokugawa-san, it's good to see you again. Yuusaku-san, congratulations on the promotion." I shake the second man's hand and he seems friendly enough.

"Thank you," Yuusaku smiles. "Tokugawa has told me a lot about you and I can tell from the organized way you keep your desk that it's all true."

They ask me a few questions to see if everything is going alright on my end and I return the favor. At some point, our discussion slows down as Yuusaku suddenly becomes silent. When we bring him back, his smile seems bigger than before.

"Are you okay, Yuusaku-san?" Tokugawa asks.

"Yes, just tired," he replies. "The missus had me running a few midnight errands to curb her unusual cravings."

Kids, huh. If I'm being honest, I always wondered what it would be like to be a father. Of course, in the current conditions, I wouldn't be able to have a biological child. With the current national laws, I won't even be able to have an adopted one.

Tokugawa places a firm hand to Yuusaku's shoulder. "This is your second child, right? Things should be easier than last time."

"I hope so," Yuusaku chuckles before readdressing me. "Anyway, Himi-kun, I'd like to get to you know you better. Why don't you come with the rest of us to the bar tonight? It's to celebrate my promotion as well as my birthday next weekend."

"He's turning forty-three," Tokugawa smirks. "More than twice as old as you, Himi!"

Yuusaku lightly pushes his co-worker with an amicable smile. "Hey, I'm young at heart!"

It's a miracle I was even able to observe all of this because part of me had started zoning out when they mentioned going to the bar tonight. It's like I said, as the new supervisor of this department, Yuusaku has the power to give me a full-time job or take away my chances. I don't want to make a bad impression but I already promised Shinya that I would be home earlier than usual.

But then again, Shinya would understand, right? After all, he knows how hard I've worked to reach the point I am now. The binder is proof of it since I've run dozens of my ideas through him and I've shown him every page, word, scribble, drawing, and blueprint.

"Tomoki?" Tokugawa calls, snapping me out of it.

"Oh, uh, sorry," I stammer.

"I'd really like for you to be there tonight," Yuusaku says. "You remind me a lot of myself in my youth and it puts me in high spirits just looking at you."

He sure does make it hard to say no. "Of course," I say. "It's at Kiseki a few blocks down, right? I'll be there."

Once the two men continue doing the rounds around the office, I plop back down in my chair. That's when I notice a Polaroid picture on the floor. To my horror, it's the one of Shinya on the bed, on all fours and naked. His head is looking back to wink at the camera as his asshole stares at the viewers in the face.

Written in the bottom right corner, there's a flirtatious 'For You' and a heart scrawled on it. How his usually messy penmanship became round cursive is a mystery. Hell, it's a mystery how he even managed to take the photo in the first place!

It's an erotic and seductive photo that he took while I was away. On Valentine's Day, he hid it in my bento box and while I was beyond embarrassed to find it, I was also deeply aroused by it. So I ended up keeping it in my wallet for safekeeping though it can't be that safe considering how easily it slipped out in my rush.

I dive to the floor and pick it up, scrambling to get it back in my wallet before anyone can catch a glimpse of it. Thankfully, break only ended a few minutes ago and most workers in the animation department don't like returning to their stations right away. So I was lucky. Well, I guess lucky isn't such a good word to describe me right now.

" _Hey! Are your taste buds ready for tonight?_ "

He sounds so excited that I feel horrible for doing this. But I have to. "Shinya…," I sigh. "I'm sorry, but… something's come up."

There's a long pause on the other end and I'm afraid that he's just hung up on me or something. But then his voice comes back, and it's just as cheery as before. " _Well, what is it? If it's something important then I understand!_ "

I exhale, relieved and elated to know that he's so understanding. So I explain everything that's going on and he doesn't throw a fit, doesn't raise his voice, and he doesn't even seem upset. I guess I really was worried for nothing.

"Thank you for being so amazing," I tell him. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

Again, there's another pause. " _Yeah, no problem. But this means you better get the job or I won't forgive you_."

"Yeah," I laugh. "Of course."

Shinya's actually changed a lot recently. I guess I'm not the only one who's grown up.


	5. One Crappy Night

After hanging up on Tomoki, I turn to look at the dinner table. I ended up buying this fancy white cloth and candles with Izumi to make the setting more romantic. I even brought out the good silverware. And since they can be considered chores, I turned into a klutz once more, managing to cut myself with a knife. Though my fingers were already covered in bandages after the cuts and burns I suffered from cooking.

"I guess it's dinner for one," I sigh as I sit down.

But looking at the food makes me feel sick. Looking across from me to see the empty chair makes me feel even worse. So I cover up the food with saran wrap, having lost my appetite.

As I'm cleaning the dirty pots and pans, it hits me. The reason why this relationship feels broken to me when Tomoki seems to be doing just fine. It's because I'm always putting him first above all else. I want to work for him, I want make life easier for him, I want dreams to come true for him. But while he is my priority, my number one, to him, I'm like third. Work and academics always come first for him.

When he was delivering the bad news to me over the phone, I wanted so desperately to tell him to come home. But I couldn't do that. Not when he's so close to reaching something he's worked so hard for. But I still selfishly wished that he would say he would run back to me.

I know this isn't fair. Unlike Tomoki, I don't have any aspirations to put before him. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm simply an afterthought for him.

"Ugh, I need a drink," I groan.

But the only alcoholic beverages here are the two bottles of wine I bought for the dinner. Again, I don't have the stomach for those specific drinks. So instead, I leave a post-it note for Tomoki on the table, telling him that I'm going out and not to wait up for me.

As I change into an old flannel shirt and cargo shorts, I'm wondering where I should go. I don't have any particular destination in mind and the nearby bars don't serve anything that suit my tastes. That's when another thought strikes me as I grab my car keys and exit the apartment. It's a little far but it'll be worth it.

-X-

It's exactly 11:00 PM when I make it to the lit up neighborhood of Shinjuku Ni-chome, otherwise known as the gayborhood of Tokyo. This is the place to get your raw gay manga, not the flowery yaoi, and mingle with people of your kind. Flashing lights, rainbow flags, loud music, and large men dressed in drag. This is my kind of place.

Before going out with Tomoki, I used to come here maybe one night a week. It's no wonder my grades plummeted. But now it's more like once a month. There are too many temptations of adulteration so I usually avoid it altogether. But tonight, I need to return to my roots.

"Shinya!" a gaudily dressed drag queen calls out to me. "It's been so long, darling!"

I'd probably confuse him for a woman if it weren't for the mismatched deep voice. "Hana-chan! How have you been?"

"You know, a little of dancing, a little of singing, and a whole lot of drooling over man candy," he answers.

Hana is always lurking on the outskirts of the gayborhood, trying to see if he can catch new prey. Not for anything sexual. Just to give them a brochure (not official) of Ni-chome and to invite them to the bar he runs.

"Is your place open tonight?" I inquire. " I need to knock back a few drinks."

Barazoku Bar opened about four years ago and I was there for the grand opening. As any gay Japanese man can guess, it was named after the gay magazine filled with erotic images of muscular men. For most people outside of Japan, the term 'bara' would come to mind because it originated from that magazine. However, nowadays, many gay manga artists find it to be offensive to refer to their works as bara since it's the American equivalent of the term, 'pansy.'

When I enter the neon-lit, rainbow smoked joint though, I notice a familiar face about to leave the way I came. We both stop in front of each other, eyes wide with recognition. But then we smile and greet each other as old friends should.

"Oh?" Hana blinks, coming in from behind me. "You two know each other? Was he a former client of yours?"

As if. "No, this is just a close friend of mine," I say quickly. "His name is Kimura Kouichi and he's helped me out in several tight spots in the past."

From what I know, Kouichi has never given his sexuality a label but even if he was gay or bi or pan or whatever, I know that this kind of place isn't his scene. This means he was either curious or a friend of his wanted him to come here. The latter is more likely.

Kouichi decides to stay a little bit longer now that I'm here. I don't mind. As a matter of fact, I welcome a conversation with the older man because he always knows the right thing to say in order to put my troubled mind at ease. So we sit at the bar and I order two of my usuals for us.

"So, how are things going with Tomoki?" Kouichi asks.

Okay, so this doesn't count. He has no idea that I'm frustrated with Tomoki. "Great," I lie, not wanting to go any further. "Not that I'm unhappy to see you but… Why are you here? You know, at a gay bar? I highly doubt it was to get with guys."

Kouichi chuckles. "A friend of mine recently came out to me and he didn't know how to go about exploring his sexuality." I knew it. "So I suggested on coming to Ni-chome. But he was scared and didn't want to go alone so I went with him. He broke out of his shell pretty quickly though, ended up going home with a guy he met right at this bar."

"Ah, his first hook-up," I sigh as if it's some nostalgic tradition.

We talk a little more but don't drink much. I still need to drive home and he doesn't like alcohol all that much. At the stroke of midnight, he says his farewell to me.

"Why are the cute ones always straight?" Hana pouts, having listened to our conversation.

"I actually have no idea what he is," I say. "But… I do know that he's a great friend and that's all that really matters."

Without Kouichi by my side, however, I can't help feeling lonely. Probably because Tomoki would be home at this point and so would I.

I pull out my phone to see if he texted me and I just didn't hear my ringtone over the music. Nothing. So I figure he's either still at Kiseki with his co-workers or he's just too tired to send me a message. Not wanting to do anything else with my handheld device, I shove it back into my pocket just as the lights begin shining on the stage in the back and dimming in the back.

"Ooh, the show is starting," Hana giggles.

Drag shows are a special form of entertainment around here. Personally, I prefer watching go-go boys or sexy strippers but on nights when I want to have a more… clean kind of fun, then cheering for a grown man in a dress is the best option.

"Who's performing tonight?" I ask as I turn around.

"Miss Lily," Hana answers. "I'm sure you'll love it."

If you've ever seen a drag show, then you know just how charismatic the performer has to be in order to win the attention of the whole crowd. Their moves aren't explosive yet the color of their clothes and glitter on their face makes them look like a dancing firework on stage. I can't help but feel mesmerized by any performer at this bar.

As my head bobs to the music, I notice someone watching me out of the corner of my eye. An older man in a suit, his hands are in his pants pockets and his jacket hangs loosely on his arm. He's got a bit of a belly and his hair is starting to fall out but that doesn't stop him from eyeing me hungrily. And I'd know that look anywhere. I've seen it plenty of times from the sex-crazed, prowling guys hanging around here near dark alleyways.

"Hana, you know that guy?" I inquire.

The bar mistress discreetly looks over to where I gesture. "Tachibana-san? Yeah, he comes by once a week and always leaves with a twink. I think he's a teacher or something, probably lives out some sick fantasy, pretending his date is a student of his."

"That explains it," I mutter. I could still pass for a high school student. And before I think about my next words, I say, "You think I should fulfill his fantasy?"

Hana's eyes widen. "I thought you had a boyfriend now."

"I do," I reply automatically. "I just… I…"

When Kouichi was talking about his friend who went off with some guy he just met, something clicked in me. Besides, a one night stand wouldn't kill Tomoki and it's not like I plan on leaving him. I still love Tomoki so, so much. But there are times when my heart loses the battle against my stupidity.

"Maybe you've had too much."

I shake my head. I'm not drunk. Or at least, I don't think I am. But I let him take away my glass anyway just as Tachibana-san comes and sits down beside me, ordering a scotch on the rocks. For a few seconds, I pretend I don't see him. But then he puts a calloused hand on my bicep.

"Don't you look lonely tonight," he says in this husky voice.

I can see Hana shaking his head ever so slightly as he prepares the man's drink, his pink wig giving away the 'ever so slightly' part. "I guess you could say that," I reply to Tachibana. This is a mistake. I know it is. However, the natural slut in me is trying to claw its way out from its burial. "But it's not so bad with you here."

Tachibana smiles when I finally look up at him. It's creepy. But I never did have standards back when I was giving my body away on a silver platter.

"I can make you feel real good," he says just as his drink is placed in front of him. I nearly flinch when I feel his hand caress my inner thigh, as if he's petting a puppy. "Well?"

I shrug. "Sure… Why not? It's not like I have anything better planned."

-X-

My flannel shirt is tossed to the floor upon entering the dark hotel room where the only light comes from the city outside window. Tachibana is sitting on the edge of the bed, his slacks down to his ankles, and I'm kneeling down in front of him, using the blanket to cushion my knees. His thick, uncut cock is already in my mouth as I slurp it voraciously.

"That's it, you like that, don't you?" Tachibana exhales.

This guy may be a pervert but he's no worse than I am. Besides, at least he doesn't actually go after his underaged students. That shows some control at least. More than me.

As we were leaving the bar, I turned back to see Hana giving me the stinkeye. I knew that even _thinking_ about having sex with someone else was like driving a stake through Tomoki's back. What I'm doing now is like taking the Statue of Liberty and dropping it on his head. He even made me promise to stop behaving this way. But old habits die hard.

Tachibana places a hand behind my head, tugging on my hair. "Hungry aren't you?"

Even though I used to do this kind of thing on a daily basis with sky-high enthusiasm, right now, I just feel dirty. And I'm not talking about the kinky kind where you're being used by dozens of random guys while lying on a sling. Okay, that may be an extreme example. But the point is, the guilt is crushing me so I stop.

I have his dick in my hand when I look up to see his frown. "Sorry," I say. Because what else am I supposed to say? "I just, uh, have my mind somewhere else."

"Now that's not good," Tachibana scowls. "You need to keep your head here, young man. Don't you want my cock?"

I open my mouth to answer but freeze. I really, really don't.

Once upon a time, I'd be sucking a guy off in a locker room, in a public bath, in a cruising spot at the park, behind a dumpster, or in any random location and within seconds, I'd get an erection and start leaking precum. But it's not happening now. With Tomoki, a nonchalant and absentminded hug from behind is enough to trigger that kind of reaction from me. I don't want just anybody. I want Tomoki. All of him.

"I'm sorry," I say, getting up. "But no. I… I need to go home."

I try to pick up my shirt but he's stepping on it and won't get off. Not wanting to make things any more awkward than I've already made, I decide to just leave it. I can always buy another. But as I try to leave, he grabs my shoulder, his grip changing from horny old man to violent rapist. All the wrong signals are going off in my brain.

"Fucker!" Tachibana snaps. "You trying to blueball me, you little bastard?"

I attempt to pry myself away but he's got a bear trap-like grip on me. "Let go!"

"Not until I finish."

His hand is suddenly cold against my bare skin as he pins me down to the floor. I can feel him stripping off my shorts down to my knees as his hard-on rubs against my ass. All this does is make struggle harder and yell at him as angrily as possible. This guy is more than your common shitbag.

"I'll scream until someone comes!" I threaten.

"Go ahead," Tachibana hisses in my ear. "They'll just think it's some S&M crap going on."

My mind and heart are racing to think of a way to get out of this. There must be something I can do. And there is.

I throw my head back with all my strength, bashing my skull into what I believe to be his chin. I think he bites his tongue or something because he falls off my back and starts spewing profanities. Most are directed at me. Without a second thought, I race out of the room with one hand holding my shorts up.

As I'm rushing down the stairs to get to the lobby, I trip on the third step from the bottom and crash land into the floor. The guy at the front desk runs over to make sure I'm okay but I'm not. I'm a mess. A sobbing, quaking, traitorous, fuck-up of a mess. And it's all my fault.

I must be having the crappiest night ever.


	6. From Bad to Worse

"Cheers!"

The sound of eight glasses filled almost to the brim with some sort of alcoholic beverage clinking together penetrates the room, along with our voices of celebration. Since I'm not a big fan of booze, I just have fruity cocktail. However, they're easy to chug so I'm already at my second cup.

Kiseki is one of the most popular adult hang out spots in the city. The food and beverages are good, the people are cheerful, and the windows make a great view of the sparkling streets. The infectious smiles of the wait staff and often addicting laughter of the customers also sets a really happy mood to this place.

At some point during our bubbly conversation, Yuusaku throws his arm around my shoulders in this almost fatherly manner. "So Tomoki, having fun with us old folk?"

"Hey," I say, hitting his chest with the back of my hand. He feels a lot more solid than he looks under his suit. "You're still young at heart."

"That I am, son," Yuusaku laughs.

The atmosphere is successful at making me feel as giddy as my co-workers but at the same time, I can't get this nagging feeling from out of the back of my head. It has something to do with Shinya, I know that for sure. Even though he said that it was okay for me to be here, I can't help feeling bad for cancelling our plans at such short notice. I mean, he did say that he hadn't done much in the first place so maybe I'm worrying for nothing.

The front door opens and the bell at the top chimes to signal a waitress to go over and greet the new customers. I instinctively turn my head to see who comes in and I have to do a double take. At first, I think I see Shinya entering the bar with that signature lopsided grin of his but when the group of six get closer, I realize that it's actually a different Kanbara. And following right behind him is the colossal form of Junpei.

"Tomoki!" Takuya exclaims. I get out of my seat and greet him with a hug. "Fancy seeing you here tonight."

"You're having a drink with your co-workers?" Junpei grins.

"Promotion and birthday celebration," I answer.

Both Tokugawa and Yuusaku, who were sitting on either side of me, stand up at the same time to introduce themselves to my friends. And I introduce them to Tokugawa and Yuusaku. It's kind of weird seeing my world-saving accomplices shake hands with my world-changing colleagues. But I'm guessing it might also be a normal adult thing to do. Well, not the world-saving part. But still, a normal adult thing…

I'm supposed to be graduating next year. But if I want to, I could be a graduate now since I have enough credits. It all really depends on how well things go with this company since I've been too active to search for other job prospects. If I do end up working there full-time, it will mean a lot more normal adult things to do. I wonder if it will interfere with my personal time with Shinya.

"We'll be sitting over there so don't mind us," Takuya chuckles.

To celebrate the end of a school year and the coming of the next, six teachers at Raira Academy decided to have a drink here. It kind of looks like a triple date. I can see that the American English teacher seems to have taken an interest in Junpei. She's beautiful and seems nice, so hopefully things go well considering Junpei has had a hectic few months with two certain men pining for his affections.

Hm? What happened with Kariya and Yuuya? Well, the former got his confidence back to go out into the dating world while the latter was told to wait a few years. If Yuuya still felt the same about Junpei after graduating college and the man wasn't taken, then maybe he could try again. As for Junpei himself, his experiences made him realize that while he's probably bi (like me) he doesn't like being the bottom in a same-sex relationship much at all.

At the current moment, Junpei is showing his group magic tricks. All while I'm trying to see straight. I think it's my fourth or fifth glass at this point?

"I'll be right back," I say, excusing myself from the table.

As I enter the bathroom, I check my watch to find that an hour had passed since the arrival of the teachers. That means I've been here for an hour and a half already. No wonder I'm starting to feel a little drunk. Though I'm sober enough to unzip my pants while standing in front of a urinal without tipping over.

I'm trying to get my eyes to focus when I hear the door open. From my periphery, I can see that it's Yuusaku of all people. It's hard to tell but I think he smirks as he walks up to the urinal beside me. I think this is what some guys would refer to as a violation of an unwritten men law or something like that but it doesn't quite bother me. That is, until he actually speaks.

"You've got a pretty nice one down there."

This is why urinals should have dividers. Also, why is he even looking? Did I mishear him? Am I drunker than I thought? "Er… Thanks," I say stupidly.

"Do you want to see mine?" I am definitely mishearing things. But then he turns a little so I can see his member which is actually pretty big despite being soft. "Well?"

What the fuck does he want me to say? "Um, Yuusaku-san… What are you…?"

"I saw the photo under your desk today," Yuusaku tells me. "I know you like men."

For a brief moment, I don't know what he's talking about. And then I remember Shinya's Valentine surprise that I keep in my wallet and it all clicks. His pause during our conversation, the sudden formal invitation to this celebration, he must've perceived that photo to be some sort of request.

"I think there's been a misunderstanding," I start to say.

"What? Don't know how to suck dick?" Yuusaku questions. His smirk is back. "I can put in a good word for you with the company president, you know."

Of course I know that! That's why I changed my plans with Shinya at the last minute!

Oh god, Shinya. I know I haven't shown any infidelity but I am ashamed to say that the thought of sucking this guy's cock did cross my mind. All because of the job! There are voices in my head that are telling me to do it. That Shinya would never know. That even if he did, he wouldn't mind. That he's probably already cheated on me without my knowledge considering his past.

"I… I…," I stammer, incapable of construing together a string of words to form a coherent sentence.

Yuusaku gives me that friendly smile though there's something twisted about it now. "Here." He reaches over and gently touches the head of my penis with his fingertips. My heart is in my ears and my stomach is in my throat, demanding to empty the contents. "I'll show you how it's done." Definitely going to hurl if my body doesn't do something else first.

And then I feel a cold metallic substance against my pelvis. The glint of his wedding ring catches my eye and I feel like throwing up all over again. But I also feel seething rage boil up from inside of me. This man has a wife and kids and I have a boyfriend who I love! I can't allow him or myself to do something so horrible to them.

I pull away from him before he makes another advance. I zip up my pants and angrily march towards the door.

"You're a sick bastard," I mutter.

"Oh?" Yuusaku says. "Is that how you refer to your supervisor?"

I freeze. But when he touches my shoulder, I spin around and push his chest as hard as I can. He falls backwards and his head hits the corner of the sink but he seems to be okay. Dazed and disoriented and definitely furious at me, but otherwise, okay. So I leave the bathroom in a rush.

Junpei notices me coming out and I must look worse than I thought because he's in front of me in three long strides. "Tomoki? What's wrong? You don't look so well."

"Junpei? Is everything okay?"

It's the English teacher. Her Japanese has a slight American accent. I can hear it in the way she pronounces her vowels.

"I think I'm going to take my friend home, Julie," Junpei answers. Even though I don't want to take him away from his co-workers, I also don't want to stay here any longer than I need to. But I can't drive since I don't know how drunk I am. So I'm pretty grateful he's giving me an escape. "Come on Tomoki, I'll lead you out."

"Come back soon," Takuya slurs. "You're our designated driver, after all! Bye, Tomoki! Say hi to my brother for me!"

Does he have to be so loud? My head is spinning. I concentrate on getting out of the bar as I say short farewells to Tokugawa and the others. Very short since Yuusaku swings open the bathroom door and I hear everyone clatter around him. The hit on the head must've left a mark but I'm out of there before I know what kind of cover story he's made up.

"Sit," Junpei commands as he opens the passenger door.

"Sorry," I huff. "You should be having fun tonight."

"You're one of my best friends," Junpei replies. "As if I'm going to just ignore you when you need me."

-X-

Shinya lied to me. I can tell from all the food that's wrapped up on the dining table that he actually worked really hard on dinner. The candles, the unopened bottle of wine, and the good china. The guilt that had emerged in the pit of my stomach starts churning again. I should've never chosen work over him but I did. And look where it got me.

I'm not hungry since for the last hour, the only thing I've wanted to do, is find a trash bin to puke into. But I pick up one of the strawberry tarts he had made from the refrigerator. I take a bite from the pastry and it's really good. As if the black hole couldn't get bigger.

"Shinya?" I call out.

No response. Is he already asleep?

I check our bedroom to find that it's empty. I guess that means he hasn't returned from wherever it is he's gone to. The note that he left me doesn't specify a location. I consider calling or texting him, but I don't quite know what I would say. I'm also afraid that if I start communicating, I'll end up blurting out everything that happened tonight.

I decide to just take a shower and go right to bed. I can always talk to Shinya in the morning. Besides, something tells me that I'll be spending a lot more time at home, starting tomorrow. After all, the injury I gave Yuusaku was definitely going to bite me in the butt.

I try to get comfortable in the bed but every position makes me feel worse than the last. At first, I think it's due to the events that had transpired not even an hour ago but it hits me that it's because Shinya's missing. On most evenings, I head to our room first. But closing my eyes for longer than a second is near impossible unless I feel Shinya's body next to mine. I guess I've gotten used to sleeping in the same bed with him.

The front door creaks open and I check the time on my phone. An hour and a half?! That's how long I've been trying to fall asleep?!

I quickly turn it off and place it back on the nightstand when Shinya enters the room. The unmistakable sound of his clothes falling to the floor fills the silence as he crawls in next to me, his face to my back, hot breath on my neck. I guess he's really tired because he didn't even bother to take a shower. Instead, he just rustles in as close as possible, wrapping his arms around my stomach.

"Tomoki," Shinya whispers. I'm about to respond when he continues. "I am so, so sorry."

Sorry? For what?

The pit in my stomach grows. I want to ask him about his apology but judging from the slow rise and fall of his chest against my back, I assume he's already fast asleep. So I remain mute. And I place a hand over his, intertwining our fingers.

"Whatever happened," I murmur. "We'll be fine… right?" It's not a question for him.

-X-

Since Shinya got back so late last night, I decide to leave the house without waking him. We can always talk about our individual dilemmas when we get back. But when I actually make it to the office, I regret not staying behind. Though I suppose there's no prolonging the inevitable.

When I was walking through the office, I notice other workers staring at me and whispering to each other. It feels like one of those scenes in those American high school dramas in which the main protagonist has rumors flying around about them. It must be one bad rumor though because I'm told to go see the principal. Of course, by that, I mean the company president.

"Himi-kun," the president says, looking up when I open the door to his office. "I assume you know why I've called you in here."

I know who it is that got me in here. Whether or not the real story matches whatever tale he's constructed is still in the air. "Could you give me a hint?" I reply.

He is clearly not amused by the joke. I'm surprised myself that I can joke in this kind of tense situation. Then again, I'm always hanging around people that use humor as a defense mechanism against awkward and sometimes precarious predicaments.

"You assaulted your supervisor after he wouldn't do what you wanted in the men's restroom at Kiseki," the president explains.

It's almost condescending, like he's telling a toddler what he did to deserve a time-out. And it's also total bullshit. But chances are, he's not going to take the word of some intern they hired a few months ago over the word of a recently promoted, highly trusted individual. So I don't say anything in response, just stare down at the floor.

"No excuses?"

This tale is literally the opposite of what happened. Even the attack was an accident. Well, the push wasn't but the bump that's probably on his head is. "I doubt there's anything I can say that can get me out of this, so no. No excuses."

The president unfolds his hands and leans back in his chair. "Then I suppose you know what comes next."

I nod and bow respectfully to him. "Yes, sir."

My last day as an intern didn't evolve into my first day as an official employee. Instead, I have to gather any personal belongings at my desk in a box and prepare to leave. Yuusaku is watching me from nearby, no triumphant smirk, but he seems pretty satisfied with my punishment. And I have to admit, I take a little pride in the purple bruise at the top of his head.

"Keep in touch," Tokugawa whispers to me.

I look up at him. "You still believe in me?"

"I know you well enough by now to know you wouldn't do anything that stupid," Tokugawa answers. "But the higher-ups aren't going to listen to me over Yuusaku. Just… keep your head high as you leave. You have nothing to be ashamed of no matter what anyone else thinks."

I smile. Even if it's little comfort. It helps. "Thanks… I'll see you around, Tokugawa-san."


	7. Hurt and Comfort

I hear the door click open. Is it one of Tomoki's family members? I don't know who else can have the key and it's too early for him to be back. Way too early. I don't know what to say to him. I mean, we haven't even spoken since that phone call.

"I'm back."

It was so quiet that I almost didn't hear. But that was definitely Tomoki.

"What happened?" I inquire. At first, I think he somehow found out what happened last night between me and that asshole (who should not be a teacher by the way), but he doesn't look pissed or upset. Actually, I can't read his expression at all. "Is… everything okay?"

Tomoki looks at me as if it's the very first time he's seen me. And it makes my heart sink because I don't want to be a stranger to him.

"Why did you apologize last night?" Tomoki asks.

I blink, not sure what he means. "Huh?"

"You came home, went to bed, and then…," he trails off. But he doesn't need to finish. I remember. "So... Where were you? What happened? I don't want to assume the worst, Shinya. So I want to hear it from you. But only if you tell me the truth."

Dodging the question is only going to make things look worse for me, as if I actually have something to be guilty about. Well, I do. But it's not like I took it any further than oral. Which is still pretty bad. But it at least made me realize that I don't have the heart to ever betray Tomoki like that. I love him and I will stay faithful from this point onwards. I just need to somehow make that clear to him.

I take a deep breath. "I went to a bar at ni-chome. I… met a guy there. And we got a private hotel room." Tomoki takes a step back and he hits the door behind him. I can tell he's trying not to say anything until I finish but I'm starting to choke up just from seeing the horrified look in his wide, watery eyes. "I swear, Tomoki, I ran out of there within five minutes. It was just… a second of stupidity. Please… I didn't mean to…"

"Shinya… Is this the first?" he asks.

The first? Does he honestly think that I've slept with other men? "First and only and last," I tell him with as much sincerity as possible.

Tomoki licks his lips which have dried up into a desert. He crosses his arms as if he's cold and I just want him to say something, anything. I need reassurance that we're going to be okay. That everything is going to be okay because right now, I'm ready to die on the spot.

"How do I know…?" Tomoki finally says, averting my stare.

I want to take him into my arms and hold him there. "Know what?"

"That it's the first and last?"

This time, I take a step back. "You don't trust me that much?" I can feel something wet rolling down my cheeks. Tomoki opens his mouth to respond but I interject before he can. "You weren't here! I love you so much and I love having you by my side but I'm always, _always_ putting you first while you put me second or third! Do you know how it feels to be in this apartment?! Filled with everything you but _you_! It was an error in judgment and it was dumb, I know. I fucked up. _I'm_ a fuck up! But you have no idea how it feels to be set aside for other things."

Tomoki is finally looking at me and I know I look like a mess. There are tears all over my face, my clothes have passed the point of wrinkled and into crumpled, and my hair is sticking out in all sorts of weird ways. But what he says isn't comfort, not even close. Instead, he folds his hands and places them on his head as if he's trying to figure me out. As if I'm some malfunctioning machine and not a distressed human being.

"That is not fair," he finally breathes.

"Tomoki," I choke out. "Why can't you ever put me first?"

He blows up. He explodes. He looks at me and it's just volume coming from his mouth. "I put you first all the time! I'm willing to take care of you while you do nothing! You said so yourself that you knew I would! But I've had these dreams since forever!"

"I know!" I shout back. "But it's not going to go away if you ignore it for one day!"

"I WAS FIRED!"

Silence.

Tomoki is no longer looking at me. The kitchen, the ugly couch, the eggshell walls, anything else is a better thing to focus on than me. And me? All I can see is him.

"I was fired," he repeats quietly, as if it's finally sinking into him. Then, he shakes his head, covering his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, Shinya. I… I'm going to stay at my parents' place for a while. I think I need some space."

Tomoki turns and his hand is on the doorknob when my hand closes around his arm. The words that tumble out of my mouth are so meek that I can't even believe it's my own voice. "What about us?" I ask him. "What's going to happen to us?"

For a while, he doesn't say anything. So I get closer, pulling him into an embrace from behind, my hands fold over his stomach. We just stand there for what feels like hours.

"Shinya," Tomoki says. He turns around and plants a kiss on my forehead. "I still love you. But… I have to figure out some things first."

What makes seconds feel like hours before made hours feel like seconds now. Because it's like I blink and Tomoki is gone. I'm alone in this hallway and he's already driven off in the direction of Shibuya. Then I'm on my knees, shoulders convulsing, sobs filling the empty apartment, and hands furiously rubbing at my eyes as I try to dam the waterfall.

Slowly, I stand back up and stagger into the living room. But I just feel like collapsing all over again when I take a look around. I mean, the place is usually empty at this time of day but now it feels absolutely desolate. It's suffocating.

I need to get out of the house and talk to someone. But I already pulled Izumi out of work yesterday. And I don't want to talk about my relationship troubles with onii-chan. Yuuya and his friends would have a pretty strong bias and would take my side no doubt, telling me some nonsense about forgetting Tomoki. So only one person comes to mind to talk to so I take out my phone and send him a text just as I'm getting into my car.

-X-

Kouichi greets me at the door of his apartment, wearing a black t-shirt with red swirls to make the shape of a lion's face, blue jeans, and his dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. When he sees that it's me, he smiles. It's warm and makes me think that I've made the right choice in coming to him.

"Come in," Kouichi says, gesturing inside.

As always, everything in his apartment is neat and immaculate. Every book has been meticulously placed into the shelves, the leather couch is devoid of dust and stains, and the floors look to be recently polished. His casual clothes make it hard to tell but he's got the demeanor of an elite plutocrat despite coming from a modest background. Most people, sometimes including myself, can't believe that the majority of the items in this house are bargain purchases.

"Sorry to intrude," I croak out. My throat is dry as fuck. "Is it okay if I sit on your couch?"

He nods. "Go ahead. I'll brew up some chamomile tea, it'll calm you down."

Do I not look calm? Then again, I don't exactly feel it. Though seeing his miniature zen garden on top of the fish tank does somehow put me at ease. It's like Kouichi lives to look better than everyone else but exists to make people feel better about themselves. I like to call him the accidentally pompous but actually perfect counselor.

As I wait for my host to return from the kitchen, I fidget around in my seat. I didn't even bother to change out of my pajamas when I showed up practically unannounced. So I'm definitely out of sorts. I'm pretty sure I almost crashed the car several times too. I did get a speeding ticket along the way. Thinking about these things are not helping.

"What am I going to say?" I murmur.

Well, it's not like I came here with any plan in mind. I just needed to be out of that apartment and in the company of someone who could give me real advice on what to do next. Because at this point, I'm at a total loss. I just want things to go back to the way it was two nights ago, when we were sitting on that hideous couch and watching colorful ninjas with Chinese takeout in front of us.

Just then, Kouichi comes back, balancing a tray of tea which he places down in front of me. "So? What happened? You don't often visit unless you need help."

"I can't just come to see a good friend?" I grin. No dice. He cracks a smile, but he's not going to let me off the hook. Guess it's now or never. "I did something really stupid."

"Considering you were in ni-chome last night, I have an idea of what this stupid something was," Kouichi sighs.

I explain the story from the beginning. The crippling loneliness whenever Tomoki would leave me for work, the fact that I was selfish and selfless at the same time, but I never made Tomoki the antagonist in my story. He could never be that. And I could never do that to him.

When I'm done, Kouichi is pouring me a second cup of tea. I didn't even realize I finished drinking my first one. "So… I don't know what to do now," I say.

Kouichi closes his eyes for a moment and when he reopens them, I can see that he's gotten an epiphany. "First and foremost," he starts. "Don't kick yourself over Tomoki being fired. He chose the celebration dinner with his superior instead of dinner with you so obviously, it can't have been your fault. Something happened that night that made things this sour."

I frown. Tomoki wouldn't do something to get himself fired. "Like what?"

"Who knows?" Kouichi responds with a shrug. "There could be someone who doesn't like him or was jealous of his work ethic. Those scenarios seem much more probable."

"Okay, what's second?" I ask.

"Second, give him space for no more than twenty-four hours."

Well that seems oddly specific. "What do you mean?"

Kouichi stands and walks to his bookshelf, stopping at a particular section and picking out a few titles. He comes back to the glass coffee table where he sets down three romance novels. "It might seem silly but I like to compare real life situations with those in the world of fiction. Shinya, you and Tomoki are too close to be broken up over something like this. Chances are, Tomoki is still waiting for you to talk to him. But he also needs a little time, wait too long, you'll lose him."

"How do you know twenty-four hours is enough?"

"I doubt his family is going to let him sulk for more than a day." He gestures towards the books. "The main couples in these books go through something similar and usually, the people closest to them are able to do half of the cheering up."

I don't know how he knows this for sure. I don't know if I can even trust this advice. But I do trust Kouichi. "Okay," I exhale. "Is there a third?"

"You have to ask yourself if you want to continue this relationship," Kouichi tells me. "If he doesn't seem to trust you and it upsets you, you may not want to be with him."

Of course I want to be with Tomoki. I mean, I can't blame him for not thinking that I'm faithful. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Even so, I've questioned many things about my life over the years and even in recent days, but the one thing that I am certain of is that I'm hopelessly in love with Tomoki. Nothing could ever change that.

So I tell Kouichi this.

Kouichi tells me to think about all the reasons I love Tomoki while he goes out to do some grocery shopping. He says that I can stay as long as I want but to message him when I choose to leave. For now, I just have to make myself at home.

Tomoki and I love all the same television shows and manga so it's easy to just lie around doing nothing other than watch adults in spandex fight monsters or read about junior high school students learning to be assassins. In our school years, we'd often trade comic books and forget who they originally belonged to in the first place. It never caused any problems though.

There's also something authentic about his kindness compared to other people. It might be because he's a Chosen Child but he's always willing to offer a helping hand to anyone who needs it without expecting anything in return.

There's the way he sleeps in the passenger seat when I'm driving us around. The way his brown hair falls just above his eyebrows as the sun's rays hit his cute face, illuminating it as I try to pay attention to the road ahead. There's a purity, an innocence that shines on his expression when he's off in some dream.

The passion he exudes when talking about becoming a video game developer is absolutely infectious as well. When he starts speaking about his various ideas and the stories that he's created, memorized by heart, I feel mesmerized by his smile, his wild hand gestures, and the sparkle that's in his eyes. Not to mention how adorable he looks when he finds out a new game that he's excited for is coming out soon.

The way he laughs at my jokes. The way he blushes at my compliments. The focus he has when he cooks and the smile that appears when I happily eat the end result. Almost anything he does or makes is something that I find myself falling for because it's a part of Tomoki. And I want to love all of him.

But most of all, Tomoki is important to me because he makes me feel normal.

When I came out as gay, there were varied reactions. But the one thing that remained constant was a change in behavior. I noticed it among many people.

My brother became distant for a while and he stopped talking about pretty girls around me. Izumi got closer to me and started talking animatedly about boys whenever she wanted with me. Awkwardness arose around Kouji and Junpei. And while Kouichi himself didn't change, I ended up using his as my personal advisor concerning my sexuality.

Some friends were disgusted while others became cold. As for the ones that were okay with it, with me, they pulled insensitive and misinformed jokes thinking they were funny. Guys became skeptical of my friendliness while girls became bubbly with it.

But Tomoki was just Tomoki. He didn't change and our relationship didn't either. We were still friends that watched each other's backs while sharing everything. That's just how it was. That's how I hope it will remain to be.

I take out my phone, about to make a call when I remember what Kouichi told me. "Twenty four hours," I say. "I wonder if I can wait that long."


	8. Spoiled Little Kid

Of course the day I decide to go back home happens on the same weekend that my brother is staying there. I don't want to deal with him today. Honestly, I don't feel like dealing with anyone today! But Yutaka especially. I'm sure he'll blame Shinya for everything and try to convince me to permanently end things with him. Just because he accepts that I'm dating Shinya doesn't mean he likes it.

I don't want to break up with Shinya. Even space seems like a bad idea. That's why he nearly cheated on me, right? Because I'm hardly around? Though it's not much of an excuse.

There's a knock at my door and my mom's voice passes through the wood. "Tomoki? Are you okay? You barely touched your dinner."

I spent the last ten minutes lying on my bed in my old room, staring up at the ceiling. No one's really tried to talk to me since I showed up at the front door unannounced. Well, they all looked curious and concerned but when I told them I didn't want to talk about it, they didn't venture any further.

"I'm fine," I call back. "Just tired."

After a bit more talking, she walks away, down the hall. Once I no longer hear her footsteps, I roll off the side of my bed and onto the hardwood floors. Was my bed always so low to the floor? And was it always so big? I guess it seems larger when you're sharing it with someone else.

I stand up straight to examine my room. I didn't get a good look when I came back. I just immediately flopped onto the couch and silently watched TV. But now I see that my walls are bare where my baseball and fandom-related posters used to be. The shelves have been collecting dust as well without anything inside of them. Everything is in my apartment now. The one I share with Shinya. I share everything with Shinya.

My eyes fall onto the eggshell-colored wall, the spot right above my bed. Ichiro Komaba, the same poster that was signed by the famous baseball player, used to be up there. And I only got to meet him in the flesh thanks to Shinya. On that first date of ours.

Another knock on the door and then a click. Yutaka. Only he would do that.

"Hey," he says when he enters. I turn to see that he's holding up a plate of rice balls. "I figured you might be hungry so I made you your favorite. They've got shrimp tempura in them."

I can't help smiling. When we were younger and I'd get upset, he'd always make them for me to cheer me up. It was never anything special but I always loved it. So even though I don't really want to interact with him, I receive his gesture and we sit down on the edge of the bed.

"Thanks," I tell him. "You wouldn't happen to have any…" He pulls out a thermos from the large pocket of his cargo shorts. "...tea. You're a good brother."

Yutaka shrugs as he pours me the tea though I can see the self-satisfied grin on his face. "I try."

We sit there in silence for a while, just drinking and eating. It occurs to me that he's probably done this just to get a chance to interrogate me or perhaps that's just me. Maybe I want to talk it about it with someone though Yutaka wouldn't be my first choice. Hell, he wouldn't even be my fourth or fifth. But he's here, he's trying… and we used to be able to talk about anything together.

"It's weird," I end up saying instead. "I never thought this room could look so… empty before."

Yutaka nods in agreement. "I know what you mean. I have to admit though, I'm surprised you didn't come here with a piece of home. One of your dorky figurines or maybe that little stuffed Bowser doll you used to take everywhere."

I feel the heat rush to my cheeks at the mention of Bowsey Wowsey. That's what Shinya called him and it stuck. Hugging him was kind of awkward because of the spikes on his shell but his little arms would make you feel like you were holding a child. Shinya used to say that he was our child long before we were dating.

I still have him. On my bedside table. For an iconic video game villain, he's oddly adorable.

"Stop, that's embarrassing," I laugh.

"Didn't you bring him to school all the time?" Yutaka grins.

We banter on for a bit but then Yutaka mentions Shinya. It's difficult to dig through my memories without finding him in there. I get quiet for a second too long and he notices. This is all the confirmation he needs to know that the reason why I'm here is because of him. Well, more accurately, us. What's going on between me and him.

My brother leans in closer. "Mind telling me what's going on?"

"Nothing," I lie. And he sees right through it. "I thought things were perfect but it I was wrong. Apparently, he was upset that we weren't spending much time together and when I cancelled on our most recent plans… He almost..."

Yutaka takes out a napkin from his pocket and wipes my eyes. I hadn't even realized that I was crying. "It must be pretty bad for you to get like this," he said. "You okay?"

I inhale shakily before speaking again. "No… I'm not. Everything is one big fucked up mess. And… I don't know what to do."

"Wow," Yutaka exhales. "You're… taking this really hard, huh." I nod and he reacts by throwing an arm around me and pulling me closer. For a few seconds, he doesn't say anything, just rubs my arm up and down. "If you don't mind me asking, how was he when you left? Apologetic?"

"Blubbering more than I am now," I reply.

"Then I guess that means he felt really bad about it."

This is a surprise. Is my brother actually defending Shinya? I suppose he doesn't know the full story but why couldn't Yutaka ever stand up for Shinya when it was some other situation? Why does it have to be now? When it feels like my heart is dissolving in my ribcage.

"Since when did you ever take his side?" I sniff. "I thought you'd be quick to try and get me away from him or something."

Yutaka chuckles. "I figured you'd think that. Well… You're right, I don't like Shinya. But I do like seeing you two together because I have never seen you happier than when you're with him. Before dating him, you were always so stiff. As if you walked through life doing everything because you had to rather than want to. As much as I don't want to admit it, he revitalized the light inside you from when you were a kid."

Revitalized my light? Shinya did?

I'm about to tell Yutaka that he's wrong when I remember what he said back at the apartment. About how he was always putting me first. When I really think about it, he always was trying to make sure I was happy. Whether it was something superficial like catching up on a show I've been missing or getting me a new game. To the deeper things like cheering me on at one of my soccer games or getting me ice cream after a bad grade.

Come to think of it, despite claiming to be in love with me since junior high, he never did try anything that could be interpreted as anything other than friendship. Well, except for the joke advances. But, it's not like he's ever tried to stop me from dating and he's even encouraged me to go after girls.

Suddenly, I'm aggravated that he's been like this for so long. Why did he do it? He could've just forgotten about me and moved on.

Then I remember something. Last month, Shinya drank a little too much before bed. Mostly, he was telling stories as if I was a fellow patron at a bar and many of them were about me. Us. They were really sweet. Dates, late night conversations, morning kisses, and things of that sort. But then I asked what he did before us.

Shinya got quiet then. I was worried that I had hit a nerve which was stupid because I was with him even before our relationship evolved into a romantic one. But he starts talking about how he used to go around sleeping with random men in order to drown out his feelings. In order to move on. But it never worked.

"He… wanted to try and forget that I wasn't with him," I realize. "Just like before."

"Hm? What was that?" Yutaka asks.

I forgot that he was even here. "You said that I was happier with Shinya, right? But… we were still together before, as best friends. It's not like we became different people."

Yutaka presses his index finger to my forehead and flicks my head back. "Yeah, but maybe you couldn't enjoy life as much because you were always worried about him," he tells me. "About how he never seemed to want to settle down. But then… You two got together. And _that_ changed."

My eyes are wide. I'm surprised that he can tell me so much about my own relationship. But then again, he's my big brother, he's supposed to look out for me like that. Although I never would've expected someone like him to be so perceptive.

"Thank you, Yutaka-nii," I smile, giving him a hug. "I'll go see him tomorrow. Maybe… Maybe we can work something out."

Yutaka ruffles my hair as he gets up. "I'm sure you will. Good night, little bro."

"Good night."

Once he's out the door, I shift my position to get ready for bed when I accidentally bump into the plate that Yutaka had brought in. I swoop in to catch it before it hits the floor, nearly hitting my head on the nightstand while I'm at it. Well, at least I know I can avoid one disaster from happening.

As I go to return the plate to the kitchen, I hear my brother's voice, making me stop. It sounds like he's on the phone with someone so I step in closer to eavesdrop. I can't help feeling curious when he's talking in a hushed tone like that.

"Yeah, he said he would talk to Shinya tomorrow," my brother smiles. "Hm? Am I sure about this? You and Tomoki think so little of me. It's true… I don't like Shinya. But he's able to put a smile on Tomoki's face unlike I've ever seen before. If anything, Shinya loves Tomoki more than I do. But… I do love him enough to care more about his happiness than my selfishness."

I don't know who he's talking to but I can assume that it's one of my friends. It's funny, I thought I had gotten over my spoiled phase in my childhood but it looks like I'm still being taken care of in my twenties. But that's not exactly a bad thing. I'll just have to take care of them in return.

"Thank you, everyone," I whisper.

-X-

I park the car outside my building. Beside me is a very familiar vehicle and beside that is a very familiar face. I seem to have this uncanny knack of driving right up to my friends without even realizing until I've stopped moving.

"Tomoki," Junpei calls out. The gentle giant is holding up a bento box. "I was worried about you because of the other day but no one was home yesterday. So I thought I'd drop by again to check on you and to give you these shrimp tempura rice balls. Your favorite."

I smile, once again grateful for having these friends. "Thank you. I'm doing okay. Better than two days ago at least."

"That's good," Junpei nods. "I'd love to stay and chat some more but I actually have some place to be."

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what plans he has. "A date? Perhaps with that cute American teacher?"

The blush that creeps onto his cheeks tells me I'm right. When a large, burly man starts acting flustered, it's always humorous and adorable at the same time. But I can't keep him here to embarrass him further. He's got a date, after all.

"I like Julie," Junpei mutters. "A lot. After everything I've gone through the past few months with the career change and the sudden move to Ikebukuro, she makes me feel normal."

Normal, huh. I know what he means. One thing about my relationship with Shinya is that he makes me feel that way as well.

After returning from the Digital World, I didn't have friends outside the Chosen Children group. But then Shinya came along. Back then, he didn't know about our secret shared amongst ten. So he always behaved like any other eight year old would. And it made me feel like I was part of the human world again and not a polar bear taken from the wild and tossed into a zoo.

Even when he found out about the secret, his excitement to find out more never overshadowed the long excursions into the woods or fun days at the arcade. It never ended our visits to the manga store or stopped us from seeing a movie together. Somehow, I feel like most people would endlessly try to find out more about the Digital World or get freaked out and run away. But Shinya never did. He made every place where he was, a home to me.

"Have fun on your date," I tell Junpei. "But not too much fun."

The older man snorts. "Hey, I'm the oldest in our group. Do you really think I'm going to let you outshine me in the romance department?"

I smile and we say our farewells to each other. After he's driven off, I take a deep breath, looking up at my building. But as I take a step forward, someone appears out of the corner of my eye and I can't help but look to see… Shinya.

He looks as dumbstruck as I feel. "Tomoki… Hey."

"Hey," I say. God, my throat is dry.

"Listen," Shinya huffs, fidgeting around. "If you're… here to pick up your things, I understand. But could you… give me one more chance to talk things out?"

Usually when we're out in public, we refrain from kissing and hugging. The most affection we ever show is holding hands and depending on where we are, even that can be too much. But this time, I just move towards him, pull him into my arms, and kiss him right there. Anyone can turn the corner or drive down the street and see us but I don't care and clearly, from the way he's furiously kissing me in return, I know he feels the same way I do.

"I will never stop loving you," I whisper when I release his lips but still hold him close. "So please don't ever give me a reason to let you go. It's hell without you."

My shoulder is starting to get wet and I can feel his own heave as he clings onto me. What had been hell to me must've been torturous limbo for him. I can't get him to calm down no matter what I say or do but somehow, I know that all he needs is for me to be right here.

"Tomoki… I'm so sorry," Shinya sobs. "I will never, ever give you a reason to leave me. Because it would kill me if you did."

I can't remember life without him by my side. Always smiling, perpetually laughing, and just being Shinya. The way he would take my hand and pull me alongside him as we got closer to some destination for the day. The way he would stifle his laughter when I got something on my face or hair. The way his chest rose and fell as he slept. I missed everything about him and we were only apart for just one day.

"For today, let's just be us," I say. "Forget everything that happened yesterday and the day before." I let go of him but keep our hands together. "Just the two of us."

Shinya rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Yeah… I'd like that. Do you want to go inside?"

I shake my head and pull him towards my car. "A date, Shinya. I meant… a date."

Just the two of us.


	9. Our Perfect Day

Tomoki didn't have a plan for today. No destination in mind, no route to take, and no road to follow. We're just driving down empty streets and stopping wherever we think would be an interesting place to spend time.

Our first stop happens to be the park we used to spend our childhood days. When we would watch the clouds, have picnics, and play soccer. It was simpler back then but I don't think I'd want to go back. Not when we're here now, carving a Love-Love Umbrella with our names on the trunk of the pine tree we used to sit under. It's a bit cliché but looking at it makes me feel warm inside.

After pretending to be little kids again on the swing set, we head to a few clothing stores. It's not like either of us needs new clothes but whenever we see something we like, we try it on. And since we're approximately the same size, we sometimes try the same thing on.

I sneak up on Tomoki while he's checking out a baseball T-shirt with a sleeping polar and grizzly bear in the center. "It looks cute on you," I say, holding him from behind.

"It's a little big though," he chuckles.

I bury my head into his neck. "That's part of what makes it cute."

The dressing room is empty and unlike the past three stores we went into, these chambers actually have doors. So without really thinking about it, I lead him inside one of them. There's no resistance from him and I realize why once we've locked the door behind us and he turns around to press his mouth against mine.

Even in the midst of our passionate yet furious make out session, we're still careful when we remove the shirt he's wearing though not so much when tossing it aside. But once Tomoki is shirtless, I allow my hands to reacquaint themselves with his body. His soft but strong shoulders, smallish pecs, smooth stomach, but the most fun part to play with are his nipples which are already getting hard from all my caressing.

"Shinya," Tomoki huffs, trying his hardest not to let out a moan. "If you're going to lick there…"

I suckle his nipples a bit as he covers his mouth with his hand to keep from making too much noise. I'm not going to make it very easy for him. My hands have already moved on to unbuckling his pants and stroking his erection which is already leaking pre onto the waistband of his boxer briefs.

Neither one of us are exhibitionists though I will admit to having had sex in many public places. Even so, the idea of getting caught in here excites me and I know that Tomoki feels the same because he's harder than ever. The idea that someone could walk in and see the erotic yet adorable face that he makes as I go down to suck his cock makes me feel hornier than ever too. His fingers are in my hair as I sloppily wet his member.

"Do you want to top?" I ask.

He takes a second to think about it before turning around, pressing his palms into the wall, and showing me his beautiful round ass. "I'll be the bottom this time. Mostly because I _really_ want you to fuck me right now."

That's enough to put me into overdrive. My pants were getting tight anyway so I let them drop to my ankles. Before putting it in though, I start licking Tomoki's hole, sending shivers through his body. I tell him to relax which he always manages to forget to do when he bottoms but when I remind him and he does so, he becomes a lot looser.

"Give me a sec," I say.

I pull away from him but to keep his ass occupied, I stuff my left middle finger inside and massage his prostate. My free hand reaches for my wallet in my pocket which has the 'just-in-case' condom tucked inside. After rolling it on, I stand up from my kneeling position and press up against Tomoki, ever so slowly slipping my dick inside of him.

"You okay?" I whisper into his ear.

I can feel him shaking a bit. "Yeah, just go slow," Tomoki answers. "It's been a while."

I nod as I slowly slide in and out of his hole. As always, he's tight and it feels like his asshole is wrapping around my dick. It's warm, soft, and feels downright incredible. Every time I thrust into him, he bites down on my sleeve, since it's the closest inanimate object to his mouth, to keep from moaning too loud. At some point, I turn his head so I can slip my tongue between his teeth before continuing to hump him.

"God, you feel amazing," I breathe.

"Shinya," Tomoki quietly moans. "I'm going to cum."

I hadn't even realized that I started going faster and deeper into him, my hips just started to move on their own. Not to mention, it was like he had just sucked me in. Either way, I could feel that I was getting close too so I wrapped my hands around his cock and rubbed the bulbous tip. There was so much pre just leaking out. Good thing none of it dripped onto the floor.

"I'm about to blow too," I say. "Together?"

He kisses me again. "Please."

We climax at around the same time. My hands are covered in his semen which I lick off my fingers. Tomoki takes my left wrist and sucks on my index finger, making me wish we could go again. But I know we've been in here for way too long.

"How's it taste?" I ask, pulling myself out while I'm at it.

"A little bitter, actually," he replies. "I think I prefer yours."

We almost start laughing when a sales lady gently knocks on the door. We freeze up and look to each other nervously, hoping and praying that we hadn't made too many explicit sounds. I mean, there's a door but the top is still exposed. Someone can just peek over and see us naked and sweaty.

"Sirs, is everything alright?" she questions through the door. "You've been in there for a long time."

"Sorry," Tomoki responds. "My zipper got stuck so my friend's just helping me out. We'll be out in a few moments."

We quickly clean things up so the next ones to use this room doesn't find our bodily fluids anywhere. Tomoki also decides to buy the shirt on our way out. The sales representatives give us some odd looks. Probably because we were in there for so long and because of how sweaty we were. Hopefully they don't suspect us of doing something totally inappropriate in there.

Once we're inside the car and out of view of the workers, we start laughing. It's hard to stop and it makes our stomachs hurt. After our fit is over, we kiss each other again. Anyone can look into the window and see us but it doesn't matter.

"Now where do you want to go?" Tomoki asks.

I intertwine his fingers in mine. "Anywhere is wonderful so long as I'm with you."

We decide to stop for lunch at a place called the Olive Tavern. Seated at the bar, I get the barbecue ribs with fries while Tomoki orders the Hamburg steak. The food gets here while we're reminiscing about the past. Mostly we talk about the theme park, Capypa Land, which we had gone to with a couple of classmates a few years ago. I had to pry him off of a lamppost to get him onto the boat ride.

"Well, the last one I was on, I threw up," Tomoki defends himself.

"You were eight," I shoot back with a laugh. "And Takuya said you guys didn't even have seats."

He pouts, looking really cute. "It was a very traumatic experience for me."

Our next stop on this destination-less adventure takes us to a movie theater. Even though it's been out for about a week and a half, we hadn't seen the live-action Assassination Classroom movie. We heard from a few friends that it was really good despite straying off from the canon material. Then again, that's not exactly a bad thing since there is an anime for it already. So long as the characters stay true to Yuusei Matsui's vision.

Oh, and we actually do pay attention to the film. We're not going to buy two tickets and a bunch of snacks just to give each other blowjobs in the back row or something. Though I won't lie, it's always been something I wanted to do. Maybe one day.

Tomoki take a handful of popcorn from our comically large bucket. "Takaoka is the worst teacher alive."

For a second, my brain goes back to that lecherous teacher from Hana's bar. But we agreed not to think about anything from those days. Not yet. Today is about us having fun. So I take a deep breath before saying, "I can think of someone worse."

"Joudai-sensei from tenth grade?" Tomoki grins.

"Ugh," I groan. "She was awful. I hated her."

"I'm sure she loathed you too," he says.

I lay my head down on his shoulder and he pulls me in close. We still smell a little ripe from our raunchy sex session but I kind of like it. Mostly because half of it is Tomoki's scent. I'm really glad that we were able to do this. I know tomorrow, things won't be as smooth, but at the very least, I have today. And I have Tomoki.

After the movie is over, we find ourselves driving towards Shinjuku Ni-chome. Not exactly a place I wanted to be at so soon after the incident but Tomoki says he wants to check it out since he's never actually been here before. Besides, it could be fun.

"They have a bookstore?" Tomoki blinks.

I nod and lead him inside. "They've got translated works of LGBT stories from all over the world. Not to mention a shit ton of erotic gay manga. Maybe you'll find something you'll like."

We make our way to the manga section where we bump into two certain high schoolers, both friends of mine. One is Yuuya, who once had to shave his head after coming out to his asshole of a father. It was to cover up the fact that his dad tore out shreds of his own son's hair in rage. Currently, he's living with his sister, Chiaki. The other guy is Nana, after his coming out, he was kicked out of his house and forced to live on the streets. He managed by becoming a self-employed prostitute though now he's living with his thirty-something year old lover. So I can't say my own coming out was bad.

"Shinya!" Nana says when he sees us. "Great timing! Can you buy this R18 manga for me?"

Tomoki plucks the shrink-wrapped book out his hands. "If it's for eighteen and up, should you really be buying it?"

"But that's only a few months away," Nana scoffs, taking it back. "Besides, I've been reading this kind of stuff since I was thirteen. Almost everyone I know has."

The book is titled _Age Gaps Make No Difference_ which is a compilation of works from different kemono artists between two lovers that obviously have a large age difference. Many of the younger ones are often the bottoms and I'm pretty sure some of the relationships are extremely illicit (like between a student and an adult). I wonder if Nana is getting it because his boyfriend is worried about their own age gap.

"Sure," I shrug. "But I didn't know you were into kemono material."

"Kemono?" Tomoki questions. "As in beasts? They sell furry manga here?"

Yuuya holds up a rather colorful book with a muscular black panther man and fox boy on the cover. The title is _Brothers in Arms_ by Maririn and it's one of the few titles that's fully in color. "Some of them, like this one, have much more meaningful stories than regular gay manga. Tagame Gengoroh, Jiraiya, Mizuki Gai, and so many others are great erotic artists but too much of it is borderline rape. Plus the body types are _huge_. You should try this one, it's got great art, excellent pornography, and a great story."

"I'd also recommend KENN's works," Nana winks.

"There's a translated work called _Little Buddy_ around here," Yuuya adds. "Though I can't remember the author. Not exactly a love story, but super cute and great art."

We ended up purchasing everything they recommended. I mean, there's nothing wrong with trying something new once in a while. After we leave the store though, we head to Barazoku Bar so Tomoki can see his first ever drag show. Yuuya and Nana also tag along to keep us company. The more the gayer. Yes, that is what I meant to say.

"You're Shinya's boyfriend?" Hana coos when she sees Tomoki. "Darling, you snagged yourself a cutie!"

Tomoki blushes but he thanks her for the compliment. "You're pretty cute too."

"Really, you think so?" Hana gushes. He flicks his hair out of his face with an extra dramatic flair. "Because I just got my roots done."

Nana rolls his eyes. "Hana, you're wearing a wig."

The drag queen narrows his eyes on the teenager but I don't want any negative energy for today. Thankfully, the show starts and though I can't tell, I think Tomoki had a lot of fun. I also took him to a few other places around the gayborhood that I thought he'd might enjoy. Strippers were not one of them.

Finally, our day comes to an end, right back to our front door. Both of us are reluctant to go inside. That's no surprise. But we enter our apartment and immediately, the first thing Tomoki does, is go over to the fridge.

"I want to try it," he says.

"Try what?" I walk over to his side and look inside to see that the food I made from two nights ago is still in there. "Oh. Are you sure? I can make more if..."

Tomoki shakes his head. "This was the food Shinya made for me. I don't want it to go to waste. Besides, we'd need to go shopping and all the stores are closed by now."

I don't want this day to end on a bad note. What if the food doesn't taste as good after it's microwaved? What if my cooking isn't as good as Izumi thought it was? What if it doesn't even suit Tomoki's tastes? But I don't say any of these things as he heats them up and I set the table for two.

We sit down across from each other but I can't even pick up my fork. I just nervously watch my lover as he thanks me for the food and then chows down. It takes an eternity for him to finish chewing that first bite of spaghetti and swallow. Once he does, he looks up at me with a big smile.

"It's delicious!" he tells me.

I don't think he knows how much I wanted to hear those words. "Well, I worked really hard on it."

"I can tell," he chuckles. "And I'm sorry… For choosing work over you."

"Don't be." I take his hand in mine. "I want you to continue chasing your dreams even if it means we'll spend less time together. I'd rather spend five minutes a day with you, than even one day apart. I am seriously in love with you, Tomoki."

There's a pause, but then he brings my hand to his mouth and plants a kiss on the back of it. "I'm completely in love with you too, Shinya."

It's been the perfect day and only one thing can possibly make it better. After we're finished eating, cleaning up, and watching the last episode of _Durarara!_ 's first cour (by the way, I like Izaya but he totally had it coming), I take Tomoki to our room where I occupy his lips and hands and everything in between.

"I want to be the bottom this time," I tell him. "It's not fair that you always get to be."

Tomoki flicks my forehead. "Then get off and let me on top." Lightly, he pushes against my chest until I'm on my back and he has his hands under my shirt. "Tonight, let's just keep going for as long as we want. There's no rush."

We both strip off our clothes and once he's got my jeans off, he spreads my legs and lifts me up to lick my asshole. His soft lips and tongue rubbing up against that area feels unbelievable. I think his rimjobs have gotten even better than his blowjobs.

After Tomoki's made me wet enough, he rolls on a condom and climbs on top of me so we can kiss each other's bodies while he penetrates me. We can be as loud as we want, take as long as we want, and be as passionate as we want. There's nothing stopping us and I cannot express how happy that makes me.

But what fills me with the greatest joy is simply being with Tomoki. That's all I really need.


	10. Epilogue: Perfect

The morning after, I find myself wrapped up in twisted sheets and a warm body. It's one thing to wake up next to your lover, it's another to find yourself naked with your lover after a long night of passion. I think it was around four when we actually fell asleep so it's no surprise when I see that it's a little past noon at the current moment.

I can't help backtracking to the events from yesterday. A lot happened after all. As a matter of fact, we had been so busy that it wasn't until we went to Ni-chome that we learned the big news. Yesterday, April first of 2015, was the same day that the Shibuya ward (back in our hometown) decided to offer special partnership certificates to same-sex couples. Not exactly the legalization of gay marriage but a huge step in that direction. And what it means is that as a couple, they will be recognized as such for hospital visits or other civil matters. So it's kind of a big deal.

Patiently, I wait for Shinya to wake up and when he does, I brush his hair out of his sleepy face. I don't want to start the day off bad. I don't want to immediately swap tales about what happened that night that fucked everything up so much. So instead, I smile and kiss him on the forehead.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," I say.

Shinya sits up, pulling me closer and kissing me again. "Good morning to you too, sunshine."

We throw our sheets into the washing machine and take a shower together though nothing too sexual happens. Maybe a little groping and making out but nothing beyond that. Once that's done, we each get a mug of coffee and sit at the table, ready to clear the air.

I talk about everything that happened at Kiseki concerning Yuusaku and how he was petty enough to get me fired for it. Shinya was reasonably upset about that and even proclaimed that he was going to get the bastard back for it. But I calm him down enough so that he can tell me what happened at Barazoku Bar. Like him, I get pissed at the pervert but not at Shinya. Sure, what he did was wrong but he really does seem sorry for it. I can't hold it against him. I did warn him that I would not be as tolerant in the future and he promised that I won't have to punish him in the future. I believe him.

"So… We're good?" Shinya asks, taking a sip from his coffee.

"To be honest, I don't know," I sigh. "But I do know that life has many ups and downs and this was just one of our downs."

He laughs a bit, tightening his grip on my hand. "Yeah. We'll get through it. Together, right?"

I nod. "Together."

A few weeks pass after that and Shinya got himself a job as a bartender in Ni-chome. Hana promised to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't stray. I actually trust him not to do anything though. It's essential in any relationship, after all.

I'm also no longer attending school anymore as I've graduated and went straight to work at the same video game company that had let me go. Kouji snooped around and found certain pieces of evidence that would prove Yuusaku's infidelity towards his wife. Using that evidence as blackmail, Yuusaku was able to take back what he said about me, claiming that the real culprits were apprehended and that he had been too intoxicated to realize that it wasn't me.

In May, Shinya and I go to a cherry blossom viewing party hosted by Izumi. We are the last to arrive because we ended up having sex in the morning and forgot that we had a prior engagement with our friends. When you have so little time in a day to see each other, you kind of end up doing it at any chance you get.

Junpei is at the hibachi, grilling meats because he trusts neither Takuya nor Kouji to barbecue. Izumi is serving everyone some of her delicious homemade fettuccine. Kouji and Kouichi are relaxing and sipping some tea. And Takuya is playing volleyball with Katsuharu and his gang and a couple of his students (Yuuya and his friends) he brought along.

"Hey, you guys are late!" Izumi giggles when she sees us approaching.

"We lost track of time," I say.

Shinya and I are holding hands as we get closer to the group. It's weird to think that everything that happened in the last couple of months actually happened. We started dating back in November so it's almost been eight months since then. And, well, it's been one hell of a ride. We know it'll only get bumpier from here on out but the point of it is to enjoy the good parts. We can survive the rest.

Shinya and I are absolutely and hopelessly in love with each other. But that doesn't mean that love is a straight and narrow path. There are so many twists and turns and forks that it's more like an elaborate labyrinth that you can easily get lost in. Hell, we _have_ gotten lost in it. But so long as we don't split up, we'll be okay. At least, that's what I think.

-X-

 **Zero Unit here. This project has been my favorite to work on because I personally have a connection with LGBT stories. With the not-too-long-ago tragedy in Orlando, I think it's more important than ever for visibility of our community to exist. Thus, this story was born. Now, I'm sure there are a myriad of questions so I'll see if I can guess which ones you have. And the ones to answer them are Tomoki and Shinya!**

 **Q** : **There are a lot of places mentioned throughout the story, are they real?**

 **Tomoki** : General areas such Shibuya and Ikebukuro are real districts in the metropolis of Tokyo. Shinjuku Ni-chome is also what is actually known to be the gayborhood of Tokyo, filled with several bars, shops, boutiques, and other places that cater to LGBT patrons.

 **Shinya** : However, specific places such as Kiseki or Barazoku Bar are _not_ real places. And if they do exist, well, that was completely coincidental. Furthermore, Raira Academy, the place where my brother and Junpei works is actually the school from _Durarara!_ while the Olive Tavern and Capypa Land are references to _Noragami_.

 **Q** : **What about events? Certains dates and times and such.**

 **Tomoki** : TV and movie showings are accurate to the time in which the story takes place which is near the end of March in 2015. The crossover between _Shuriken Sentai Ninninger_ and _Kamen Rider Drive_ actually did happen on March 29. The live-action _Assassination Classroom_ film was released earlier in the month and _Durarara!_ 's final episode of their first cour did premiere days before the showing in the story.

 **Shinya** : Most importantly, on April first, those same-sex certificate things are a fact. As of September 2016, a total of five places in Japan offer it.

 **Q** : **Nana mentions a lot of gay manga, even furry ones. Are they real and are they available for purchase where I'm from.**

 **Tomoki** : All of them are real. And I know for a fact that Gengoroh Tagame's _Endless Game_ can be bought translated in the US. However, unless you live in New York City, the best we can tell you is to look online. But don't look for scanlations because the authors need to make money and if people actually buy their stuff, then the more likely they will continue to make it.

 **Shinya** : We also do highly recommend certain gay manga. From the furry side of things, there is _Brothers in Arms_ by Maririn and on the human side, we've got the _Priapus_ series by Mentaiko.

 **Tomoki** : Tagame also has a non-sexual story called _Otouto no Otto_ which translates to _My Brother's Husband_. The men are still huge but there is like no sex because it's more family oriented. It's a really sweet and sometimes heartbreaking story and despite the lack of romance, it is definitely worth the read.

 **Shinya** : Definitely one of my favorite manga currently. And one of Zero's too.

 **Tomoki** : Also, if you're going to read comics by artists, be sure to support them. We want them to continue making their great artwork and tell their stories.

 **Q** : **There is supposedly a little easter egg concerning Nana's character in his one scene in Chapter 9. For those who don't get it, what is it?**

 **Shinya** : When he recommends KENN's work with a wink, it's actually a tribute because Nana Hoga is one of his characters. Actually, he is the very same character that appears in _Age Gaps Make No Difference_. Yes, that is right, Nana is originally a rabbit beastman in a world of furries.

 **Q** : **Are there any other hidden references?**

 **Tomoki** : The scene in the bathroom concerning Yuusaku and I is actually stolen from another furry artist by the name of Artdecade, another highly recommended artist. _Only If You Know_ is the last part of the trilogy in which the scene is taken from.

 **Shinya** : Surprisingly enough, it actually gets less sexual with each one.

 **Q** : **What about yaoi recommendations? Any of those?**

 **Tomoki** : Well, neither of us really like yaoi. I do watch some for the comedy aspects like _Sekaiichi Hatsukoi_ and _Junjou Romantica._

 **Shinya** : For the most part, they are awful representations of the gay community and so many of the "gay" characters aren't actually gay. No, they're straight that happen to have fallen for a man. Not to mention all of them have to be super pretty and lanky. Of course, there are good ones here and there. Junko is a pretty decent writer. I especially like _Konbini-kun_ and _Starlike Words_ though the latter is absurdly unrealistic. Oh, and _Watashi ga Motete Dousunda_ is all about this fujoshi in a harem and it's hilarious!

 **Tomoki** : What was that other writer you mentioned to me? Yamamoto Kotetsuko?

 **Shinya** : Oh! _Honto Yajuu_ is great despite having elements I despise. But what I really love is _Konya mo Nemurenai_. Every other yaoi can die!

 **Tomoki** : As you can see, he has very strong feelings about this. No offense to them.

 **Q** : **Television dramas or movie recommendations?**

 **Shinya** : I can't think of any Japanese ones off the top of my head. But there is a Thai drama called _Lovesick: The Series_. The first episode is an absolute mess, the cast even admits that, but if you can get past that, I think it will be worth it. One of my favorite series.

 **Tomoki** : There are also two Thai movies that Shinya introduced me to. _Love's Coming_ and _My Bromance_ which are both adorable and personally, I think it centers a lot more on the friendship elements rather than the romantic ones. Don't tell Shinya.

 **Q: Novel recommendations?**

 **Shinya** : Our knowledge is limited to YA novels but anyone can enjoy them really.

 **Tomoki** : David Levithan and Alex Sanchez are both great gay authors that we highly recommend checking out. I particularly like _Everyday_ though Shinya says it's not gay enough.

 **Shinya** : If you'd like to learn more about our trans brothers and sisters, we'd highly recommend _Beautiful Music for Ugly Children_ by Kristin Cronn-Mills and _Freakboy_ by Kristin Elizabeth Clark. Both of them are excellent reads.

 **Tomoki** : There's also _Openly Straight_ by Bill Konigsberg. But I warn you, it made our author, Zero, cry like a baby.

 **Shinya** : If you're into sci-fi stuff, there's Alex London's _Proxy_ series. Or if you're into the superhero genre, there's _Hero_ by Perry Moore.

 **Tomoki** : I love Jandy Nelson's _I'll Give You the Sun_ , E. M. Kokie's _Personal Effects_ , and Celeste Ng's _Everything I Never Told You_. They all have dysfunctional families that will make you shout at the characters but they are amazing narratives. Also puts things into perspective since they're not so direct with the gayness.

 **Shinya** : Zero would just like to say that he predicted the nature of Jack since one of the earliest chapters. He likes to brag about that.

 **Q** : **Does the writer, Zero Unit, draw upon his own experiences when writing this story?**

 **Tomoki** : No, not exactly.

 **Shinya** : Breaking news, Zero is actually a super virgin. Never dated, never had sex, and never even had his first kiss. Whoa, scandal!

 **Tomoki** : Shinya!

 **Q** : **In this story, things get really angsty and dramatic. Was it really necessary? Tomoki and Shinya seem like such a perfect couple!**

 **Shinya** : At the end of Love or Lust, I made a New Year's resolution that I'm willing to bet most people forgot. It was to make Tomoki as happy as possible. Doing that has consequences. When you try your hardest for the happiness of someone else, you forget to take care of yourself. That's what Zero was trying to convey with this story.

 **Tomoki** : And bad things happen. Sometimes because you make the wrong decision and sometimes because you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing is ever perfect. But two people can be perfect for each other.

 **Q: Zero Unit previously posted a spin-off story called Old or Young but then took it down. Why? Also, what happened with Junpei's story anyway? We were given a few details in this story but could you fill in the blanks?**

 **Shinya** : Because Zero didn't quite have the inspiration or motivation to finish. Lazy fuck.

 **Tomoki** : Shinya!

 **Shinya** : Anyway, to fill in the blanks. Well, first of all, Junpei got into a sexual relationship with Kariya, the hot, middle-aged construction worker. Then, Junpei ended up as a substitute physics teacher after my brother begged him with his job on the line.

 **Tomoki** : That's where Yuuya comes in. Chiaki's younger brother and the kid who's had a crush on Junpei since forever. But obviously Yuuya was scared. He had just come out to his father who did not take it well. Yanking out shreds of his hair which caused him to shave his whole head rather than wait for it to grow back. He lives with his older sister now.

 **Shinya** : For a while, these two men were pining for Junpei's affections while the foreman/teacher had other problems on his mind.

 **Tomoki** : He enjoyed both working in construction but also enjoyed teaching kids. Not to mention, he was conflicted about his own sexuality. After coming to us for advice since we were the only gay couple he knew, he realized that while he did have an interest in both sexes, he had no interest in being the bottom. Apologies to the horny Kariya. But the construction worker is doing better for himself now. And Yuuya was told to ask about Junpei again when he's older and if he still felt the same way for the older man. Junpei also chose to become a teacher full-time while working with the construction firm during vacations.

 **Shinya** : That man is a machine.

 **Tomoki** : Shinya, weren't you going to mention that thing about Yuuya?

 **Shinya** : Hm? Oh, right! Remember the first chapter of Love or Lust? When I went to Tomoki's apartment after coming from a client's? Well, Yuuya, conflicted about his feelings for Junpei, called me to talk. We ended up almost doing the deed but he was unable to continue. So nothing really happened. I just sort of left and went straight to Tomoki's after Yuuya made me promise not to say anything. So I made up a lie about an unsatisfactory sexcapade with a client.

 **Tomoki** : And that's when our story began.

 **Q** : **Is there anything else you can teach us about Japan's gay subculture? The history? Social dynamics?**

 **Shinya** : We can trace back gay and lesbian movements in Japan back to the Japanese International Lesbian and Gay Association (JILGA), founded by Minami Teishir. A group known as Occur broke off from JILGA and they got entangled in a lawsuit with a youth hostel in the town of Fuchu, _Seinen no Ie_.

 **Tomoki** : Occur filed the lawsuit because they claimed that members were harassed while they were taking baths. They were victims of derisive jokes, pejorative terms, and rude jeers. And when they tried to go to their rooms, they were denied because of the "no sex" rule. Which was the whole point of sex-separated rooms. But Occur claimed that this rule should be enough of a deterrent and in the end, they did win the lawsuit.

 **Shinya** : Why this is so important is that it created a legal definition (borrowed from the US mainstream definition) of male homosexuality for the first time in Japan.

 **Tomoki** : This was a departure from the previous definition which identified homosexuality as an act, otherwise known as sodomy. This also erased the previous idea that homosexuality was unhealthy and annulled the illegalization of sodomy.

 **Shinya** : A lot of people are ignorant about the existence of Occur though. This is because of the demise of JILGA and their magazine platform, Adon, in the late 90s.

 **Tomoki** : However, since queer movements were still gaining ground and visibility, there came a rise to other magazines like _Badi_ and _G-Men_. Their success may have something to do with the downfalls of _Sabu_ in 2001 and _Barazoku_ (origin of the word "bara") in 2004.

 **Shinya** : By the way, Gengoroh Tagame was incredibly influential in gay magazines having drawn for many of them. But again, unless you're into hardcore BDSM aspects, his work may not be for you. Though there are the occasional tame manga. Oh, but Jiraiya took Tagame's place as the sole cover illustrator for _G-Men_ back in like 2001.

 **Tomoki** : The magazines expanded on the discourse on sexual identity by stressing positive aspects of both gay life and sexual activities, thus influencing gay circles to have frank and open discussions of sex and allowed greater freedom to talk about HIV-related issues.

 **Shinya** : However, many people don't like these magazines for the same reasons they don't like yaoi. It's a complete misrepresentation of the gay community. Where yaoi incorrectly portrays the social and romantic life of gay men, these magazines generally make it seem as if 50% of our time is devoted to sex. And heaven forbid is it just vanilla sex.

 **Tomoki** : Keep in mind, the Japanese, like many other countries outside the US, was actually indifferent towards sexuality. There are many old stories that depict same-sex relationships. It wasn't until the US visited us that we redefined what we saw as indecent behavior.

 **Shinya** : And yet, there's a stereotype that the Japanese are prudes.

 **Tomoki** : Can we focus on the topic?

 **Shinya** : Oh, right. Actual cases of homophobic discrimination in Japan are really uncommon though.

 **Tomoki** : Even teachers come out but they don't face any kind of discrimination. This might be because of the lack of religious-based dissent towards homosexuality. However, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Several of them could just go unreported out of fear like how Shinya did back in Love or Lust.

 **Q** : **Will there be a sequel to this sequel?**

 **Shinya** : We have no idea.

 **Tomoki** : It all depends on what Zero thinks. If there is one, expect to learn more about Japan's queer history. Who knows, maybe, by then, same-sex marriage will even be legal here.

 **Shinya** : We'll be staying strong until then so continue to support us! Our ship name is Shinoki! Bye!

 **Tomoki** : We're glad you guys could join us on our journey of romance, sex, and drama. Until next time!

 **If you have an account, go ahead and PM me if you have other questions or just want to talk. I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks for everything!**


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